Once I heard about a girl who, upon leaving prison, decided the best way to turn her life around was to find a man and have a child.
It became a running joke with my friend. Then I had a baby and turned my life around.
By the time I swiped on the match that changed my life, I had been on and off Tinder [dating app] for several years.
While looking for potential mates I ended up with some genuine friendships. I'd had some lovely dates and some not so lovely dates.
This guy seemed normal enough. He was younger than me; a tradie who was into classic cars and loved that I did retro pin-up. The conversation was interesting enough. Weeks of messaging led to drinks, above-average sex, and the agreement that we’d do it again.
Source: Insight
Then things got weird. Plans were cancelled, changed, or discarded without explanation. I was often left hanging and unsatisfied.
A quick check on Facebook confirmed my suspicions: Tinderboy had a girlfriend. No wonder he would only communicate on snapchat. Feeling disgusted, I ended it.
Shortly after, I got the news that my mum had been diagnosed with cancer. I was devastated. Three years before, my dad had died also from cancer. At 33, life was not what I had hoped for.
Completely lost, I reached out to Tinderboy. He asked if I minded if he had a girlfriend. As far as I was concerned, that was his issue to work out. The way I saw it, it was every man for themselves. I just wanted a distraction from the emotional pain I felt.
Two months later I was pregnant.
I took the test one afternoon after work. It was hard to concentrate: I kept re-reading the instructions certain I made a mistake. I was 33, single and pregnant to a guy who had a girlfriend. This was not how it was supposed to happen.
I was so numb, there wasn’t sadness, joy or any other emotions: just the knowledge that I had to do something.
Just because I had decided to become a mother did not mean I could force fatherhood on him.
I sent my friends a photo of the positive test. I called my doctor friend to ask advice. Sitting on the floor I began weighing up my options.
Even though it takes two to tango, this was a decision I needed to make on my own. I was on the pill and knew it was not 100 per cent effective, but I never thought I would be one of the ones that fell outside the norm.
In shock, it took three days for me to tell Tinderboy via a Snapchat message. That was what our "relationship" had been reduced to. I captioned the positive pregnancy test with, "let me know when you can talk". His messages flooded my phone.
"We can’t do this."
"We need to terminate."
"Are you sure?"
All I wanted was to meet up to talk. I didn’t feel comfortable discussing such a huge matter over a social media app. He kept pushing the "we", trying to tell me what "we" should do. I didn’t see a "we". I saw two independent adults who had consented to sex, but not to parenthood.
Disregarding my request to meet up, Tinderboy continued to relentlessly push for a termination. I already felt alone in the situation; his unwillingness to regard my feelings reinforced the isolation.
The previous year I had given up on the idea of being a mum. Abortion didn’t feel like something I could do, especially since I had always wanted to be a mother. The next conversation I initiated was asking whether he wanted to be involved: I told him he could either be on the birth certificate or disappear.
Sadly, but not surprisingly, he disappeared. I didn’t chase him. Tinderboy had consented to having sex with me, not to being a parent. Just because I had decided to become a mother did not mean I could force fatherhood on him.
I gave birth in July 2017 to a beautiful girl. I chose a name that means "light". When I told a friend’s mother that I was pregnant, her response was that it was wonderful because it meant that I now had a future. As old fashioned as that is, it’s also very true for me. Some people find purpose in life without children.
Before I had my girl I was clutching at straws. After she was born, I finally graduated uni. I enrolled in my masters. I’m budgeting, meal planning and abstaining from alcohol.
I no longer believe that it’s every man from themselves. We’re all in this together. My aim is to be kinder, a better all-round human with the hope that the world will be a better place for my girl.
As for that girl who left prison, she also had a baby. She’s on the straight and narrow with her new partner and their rowdy little toddler. Nothing transforms your life like having a child.
