Loss at any point in life can be difficult. It may come from the death of a loved one, unemployment, separation, infertility, natural disaster and other unwanted experiences.
Grief is the normal response to loss and we have no ability to escape the numerous losses we will experience in life.
Dr Amanda Lambros, the executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute in Australia and New Zealand believes our culture around grief needs to be reshaped as common tendencies are causing more harm than good.
If you’re grieving
Dr Lambros says the teachings on ‘how to grieve’ which we revert to can be problematic – especially the idea that ‘time heals wounds.’
“It typically makes things worse because it instead gives you time to ruminate – it’s just you and your head,” she says.
Another common mistake she has noticed is the idea that the person grieving should distract themselves or keep busy to avoid thinking about what has happened.
Source: Unsplash/Ben White
“People keep themselves busy or take up a new hobby but as soon as they finish or they come home from work, they’re alone again and it’s all going to come flooding back in,” she says.
The best piece of advice she has seen in practice is simply to talk – and sooner rather than later.
Dr Lambros believes when people wait to address their grief years later, they “end up living with it and it doesn’t get any better.”
“Talking about it always helps you process the emotion of it. The more you talk about it and express your feelings the better you will feel.”
How to comfort someone that’s grieving
The person grieving can isolate themselves from friends, family and colleagues to avoid putting on a performance. The best course of action when we notice this is to get them talking, says Dr Lambros.
“We can tell them we are there to listen with our whole heart - but don’t say that unless you are willing to listen. If somebody reaches out to you for help, offer it,” she says.
According to Dr Lambros, some common phrases we use to console someone should be avoided as they can be hurtful.
“It is a big mistake to say ‘I know how you feel’ because you don’t, it’s a well-intentioned thing that comes out of people’s mouths that ends up being the wrong thing.”
She suggests avoiding ‘at least they not suffering anymore’ or ‘they lived a long life’ when dealing with death and instead say ‘I can’t even imagine what you are going through.’
Dr Lambros also recommends to avoid telling the griever a similar experience you may have had so as not to rob the other person of telling their story.
She believes sometimes no response is the best response of all.
“You don’t have to have all the answers. As friends and colleagues you feel like you need to provide answers but sometimes they just want you to quietly listen or give a hug.”
“We can tell them we are there to listen with our whole heart - but don’t say that unless you are willing to listen."
When grief becomes something more
You can’t put a time limit on grief and each person requires a different time to process their loss, according to Dr Lambros.
“Unfortunately the diagnostic and statistics manual that psychologists use to diagnose says that if you’re still grieving after two to three weeks you should be medicated.”
Most people are usually finalising formalities during this period and have not yet had time to deliberate what has happened, she says.
“When it is always on your mind and you feel like there is nobody else to turn to and talk to, that is the best time to seek help.”
She recommends you also see a professional if the grief begins to impact on other areas of your life.
“If you’re not able to go to work, take care of your children, get up and take a shower, do your daily routine - that is when it becomes problematic.”
