If you spend more time cursing a family member than enjoying time with them, should you sever that relationship? Insight looks at what drives us to cut ties and asks if it's always a good idea. Watch episode Cutting Ties on SBS On Demand.
It's a weird feeling when — by their choice — a key person in your life isn't in it anymore.
The breakdown of our long-term friendship felt sudden to me, not gradual. Though maybe it was masked by the COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.
I felt that maybe she was withdrawing within this period, but I didn't think it was a personal thing at the time. So many people wanted to stay inside, away from everyone else during the pandemic.
I texted and called her during lockdown but didn't hear much back from her.
After a few months, I sent a message asking if everything was okay between us.
Nothing could have prepared me for her answer.
I was stunned. I racked my brain for what I could possibly have done.
I asked her the reason. She texted back with some details but didn't want to go into explicit examples so as not to hurt my feelings.
I would have preferred to have been able to have a conversation about it than be cut off like that.
Sitting with unanswered questions
It's been four years now and I still don't fully understand why. I wonder all the time.
I wish I had clear answers; your mind spins and makes up reasons why it could be so.
This friend invested so much time and energy in supporting me — she was a really significant figure in my life.
I split up with my son's dad when I was eight months pregnant. So, my life was really heavy, and I was a single parent right from the start of my child's life.
But my friend was always there for me.
It is devastating to lose her.
Two years after my friend told me she didn't want our friendship anymore, my son started school.
My friend was someone who I thought would always be in his life. I felt she was the closest thing he had to a godparent.
Seeing my son in his school uniform on his first day of school and feeling particularly sentimental, I decided to text my friend.
I said that I thought she was going to be a witness to his life and that I was sad. I don't know if it was the best thing to do, but I was overwhelmed with emotion.
She replied that she was sorry for being the cause of my sadness.
We haven't had any more contact in the three years since.
'You can't remake old friends'
I think the hardest thing is that, to me, there were no warning signs.
From my perspective, there were no conversations or any kind of communication to suggest she might have been having issues with me.
Not having closure has been challenging. But the more time goes on, the easier it gets and more comfortable I get with it just being the way it is.
I think if I'd had a chance to speak to her in person, then I would have at least had the opportunity to say my piece. Our 'breakup' may have felt better.
But that's not what happened, so I must accept it.
Along with losing my mum, it's been one of the biggest griefs of my life.
We talked about being old ladies together, sitting on the front porch, drinking tea and laughing at the world.
I feel her absence in my life every day. Anyone that you’re close with, who you’ve known at different life stages, I feel you lose that memory bank you shared, and the version of yourself they carried with them as your friend.
It’s like, who you were with them, no longer exists.
You can’t 'remake' old friends.
And for more stories on sex, relationships, health, wealth, grief and more, head to Insightful — an SBS podcast series hosted by Kumi Taguchi. Follow us on the SBS Audio App, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
