When I think back to my son’s younger years I remember a happy, cheeky, inquisitive little boy who was full of beans. Today I barely recognise the 22-year-old that stands in front of me.
It was 2015 when I found out my son was using drugs. I’ll never forget the doctor, at the youth mental health clinic where my son had been committed, reading me the results of his blood test. They had found traces of marijuana, pain killers, but worst of all, ice.
My world stopped. I didn’t believe it. I fell into a cycle of denial, then self-blame. I was ashamed and frightened. I questioned where I went wrong. I was a single mother who gave my kids everything. I worked hard, I sent them to private school – yet here I was finding out my son was a drug addict suffering from a drug induced psychosis.
It turns out my son, who lived under my roof, first started trying drugs when he was just 13. I thought I knew what my kids were up to but I had no idea – he hid it well, too well. To this day he refuses to tell me how, or who, first introduced him to drugs.
Where it all went wrong
It wasn’t until my son was 17 that I started to suspect something wasn’t quite right. He had a bad pushbike accident that required two major surgeries. After his surgeries, each time he regained consciousness he was manic. His behavior was erratic and his moods were extremely up and down. The doctors assured me it was likely just a reaction to the anesthesia and the strong pain killers he was on. But then I noticed my own pain killers started to go missing. I confronted him, but he denied taking them.
One night in July 2015 everything fell apart, and it is a night that will haunt me forever. That is when his mania got so out of control he became delusional and was hallucinating. He believed he was being stalked by a man who was trying to kill us all, he went to our neighbours house to tell them they were going to be killed and that he needed to protect them. He was ranting and raving and you could see he was not of this world anymore. It was terrifying to see the crazed look in his eye. I feared for the safety of the rest of the family. I called my brothers to come and help me, I was having a nervous breakdown, I didn’t know what to do. He ended up stealing my car and crashing it. To this day it traumatises me to talk about that night, I still have nightmares about it.
That night was the first time he was committed to a mental health facility and I found out the extent of his drug use.
Stuck in the nightmare
That was four years ago and I can tell you the past four years have been a nightmare. My son, and our family, are stuck in a pattern of dealing with his drug use, mania, short term help and then he gets released – repeat, repeat, repeat.
Each time he has one of his drug induced psychotic episodes he is committed to a facility and receives short term medical and mental health treatment. The family experiences a short period of stability and I have my gorgeous son back. He’s polite, attentive and attends university where he manages to get high distinctions for assignments. But each time the treatment stops he falls back into the cycle of drugs and mania.
I’m at breaking point. I no longer know how I’m going to keep going. I’m a strong woman but my health has seriously deteriorated due to stress and I admit I do sometimes want to just give up and end it all.
I’m afraid this cycle will destroy him, and me, and neither of us will make it out.
I’m struggling to deal with Australia’s mental health system and I feel like my family has gotten lost in the bureaucracy. My son gets moved around from one mental health facility to another. When he becomes too much to handle, the doctors seem to just move him on so he becomes someone else’s problem. And I’ve learnt they don’t talk to each other and communicate his medical needs. Each time we go somewhere new it’s like starting all over again which is so disruptive for his treatment.
His treatment programs are also inadequate in my opinion. The last five years have shown that each time his treatment ends he falls back into the same cycle. Yet despite this doctors will call me to talk about discharging him and I have to almost beg them to keep him in as I don’t think he should be allowed back into the community until he shows real progress. They, however, seem desperate to free up beds for the endless stream of patients needing help.
If I had my way my son would spend a lot longer on a detox program so doctors can determine what underlying mental health issues he is suffering from when he’s not on the concoction of drugs he now takes. Schizophrenia, bipolar and anxiety have all been mentioned as possibilities but no one seems really sure. I have spent the past four years desperately trying to get a proper diagnosis but I’m still waiting for one.
Despite being his mother, I’m no longer allowed to find out information about his treatment – he’s 22 now so that means he’s an adult capable of making his own decisions. That’s also why I can’t get him into any long-term, government rehab facilities. Firstly they have huge waiting lists, and secondly, unless he expresses a desire to go we can’t force him. How anyone riddled with drugs and mental health problems is capable of making such decisions is beyond me. I want to see changes made so that parents like me can have more control over their sick child. I want to know what decisions are being made about his treatment before they are made, not after the fact.
I know the government has committed a lot of new spending to Australia’s mental health programs, in particular youth services. It’s a start, and a good one, but it’s not enough. If you go to these places you will see just how understaffed and under resourced they are.
I hold out hope that one day I can get my son back. I want him to be a successful citizen, a normal person functioning in society – as a mother your children’s well-being gives you the greatest happiness. But I’m afraid if things don’t change we’ll never get there. I’m afraid this cycle will destroy him, and me, and neither of us will make it out.
If you, or someone you know, is struggling with mental health issues you can contact Lifeline via their website or on 13 11 14, Beyond Blue via their website or on 1300 22 4636 or Kids Helpline via their website or on 1800 55 1800.
Insight wants to hear from you. If you have a personal story to share – especially on a newsworthy issue – we can help you craft a compelling first-person article like the one you’ve just read. Pitch an idea or send a piece you’ve already written to mystory@sbs.com.au
