We had an almost sexless marriage for 30 years. One decision changed everything

Tess and Craig experienced a disconnect in their sex life for decades. They share how they overcame this together.

Craig and Tess went on an intimacy retreat two years ago to restart their sex life. Source: Supplied

Is Australia's libido waning? Or are we redefining sex and intimacy? With singledom on the rise, technology replacing interaction, and partner standards reaching new heights, Insight explores what's going on in the nation's bedroom. Watch episode Sex Recession? on SBS On Demand.

Tess:

For years, I would have to have a glass of wine to get in "the mood", but that all changed when my husband Craig and I went to an intimacy retreat.

We're in our late 50s and have been together since we were 18. Before kids, we had an active sex life; making love was easy, joyful and a part of expressing love to each other.

But after having children and entering perimenopause, my relationship with sex changed, and it became hard work. I didn't realise at the time that I had entered perimenopause; I just knew that the part of me that had once responded so naturally was no longer there.

It wasn't sudden; it was a slow retreat.

In our 30s, we made love maybe once every six months, and this became less frequent in our 40s.

When we did make love, it was very enjoyable for a moment. But then our sex life would just fall flat again.

I was seldom in the "mood" and rarely initiated intimacy. And the fact that a glass of wine helped me get there always made me feel incredibly guilty afterwards.

Eventually, sex became something I felt I should be doing for my husband's pleasure, rather than something I wanted. And with that came a sadness I couldn't speak out loud.

Even though I loved Craig deeply and wished I could feel the desire for sex, my body was not participating, and my mind couldn't override it.

For years, I thought something was broken inside of me — somehow broken as a woman and wife.

Craig and Tess in their dating days before marriage. Source: Supplied

When we became empty nesters and moved to the Gold Coast, I found myself thinking about the years Craig and I had ahead.

I couldn't imagine growing older without sharing an intimate connection with the man I'd loved since I was 18 — I knew I didn't want that to be our story.

Around that time, a friend introduced a book about tantric sex and menopause, and I read about a retreat that the author ran.

Something stirred inside me: What if there was another way? 

I couldn't imagine growing older without sharing an intimate connection with the man I'd loved since I was 18.

Tess

I took Craig for a walk on the beach and asked him if he would go on the retreat with me.

I said, "I would like to change our current situation. The kids are gone, our house is empty, and it's just the two of us."

I was incredibly nervous as our sex life had always been the elephant in the room. But to my delight and surprise, he agreed.

That decision changed our lives.

The retreat offered a safe space for us to relax and learn simple but profound tools for connection. For the first time in years, I felt seen, heard and gently held.

My body exhaled, and I discovered it wasn't broken. I just needed a different way.

And when I learned to slow down, feel safe emotionally and be present, everything shifted.

Today, two years on, I feel at home in my own body; I feel feminine and whole again.

Craig and I have learned that intimacy isn't about reaching a goal. It's about slowing down, relaxing into each other's presence and allowing love to unfold naturally. This has also deepened our friendship, softened the way we communicate and strengthened our marriage.

We make love most days in a tantric way, and never in my wildest dreams did I think that was possible.

After all these years, we haven't just found intimacy again; we've found each other again.

Craig:

Looking back, I can honestly say that one of the hardest parts was not knowing what to do.

I knew Tess wasn't rejecting me, but I didn't understand what was happening, and I had no idea how to make it better.

I loved (and still love) her deeply, but as our intimate relationship slowly changed, I felt helpless and didn't know how to fix the situation.

We'd never learned to speak about intimacy and sex growing up. So, I had thoughts like, "Isn't this supposed to be what being married is about? What have I done wrong? Doesn't she like me anymore?"

And over time, I withdrew. I don't think I even realised I was doing it, but the less intimacy we shared, the more I pulled back. I became quieter, more reserved and, if I'm honest, quite disheartened. 

I needed something to pour my energy into, so I took up photography. It gave me purpose and something to focus on, but it didn't fill the gap between us.

The stress about intimacy has completely gone. We communicate freely now, and there is no pressure, just connection.

Craig

So, it came as a beautiful surprise when Tess floated the idea of the retreat. It was a wholehearted yes from me.

I had no idea what I was saying yes to, but it taught me something I wish I'd learned decades earlier: intimacy isn't about performance or achieving an outcome. It is about presence.

The stress about intimacy has completely gone. We communicate freely now, and there is no pressure, just connection.

Craig and Tess say they feel more connected than ever. Source: Supplied

Making sex a priority and setting time aside for it is one of the biggest lessons we learned.

Life will always be busy, but we've discovered that when we intentionally make time for making love, every other part of our relationship benefits.

It's been an amazing two years of experiencing intimacy — I just wish we had attended the week-long retreat sooner.

I've learnt not to expect or demand, but to understand what my wife has been through for 25 years since having children — and to be genuinely curious about women's health and menopause.

I had no understanding of what Tess was experiencing, and having that knowledge earlier would have changed so much.

I would tell my younger self not to withdraw — to instead, lean in, listen more, support more and hug more.

I think these things would have made all the difference.

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