Mordor
Security is of critical importance to the Government, so what’s better than a giant flaming eye sat atop a military fortress, monitoring everyone in Middle Earth? It’s the stuff of Dutton’s wet dreams. No need to restrict journalist’s access to the Mt. Doom Detention Centre, either; surrounded by mountain ranges on three sides and sealed by the Black Gate, it’s as hard to get into Mordor as it is to get out. Boromir, an expert on the region, told reporters, “One does not simply walk in”.
The current ruler of Mordor, Saruman the White, was confident that an agreement with the Immigration Department would be mutually beneficial, bringing jobs and economic growth to the region, while providing the Department a sulphurous hellscape in which to keep their prisoners. “The Uruk-Hai also look great in their Transfield uniforms”, noted the dark sorcerer.
Azkaban-Prison
The Australian Government loves stranding people on desolate islands, so Azkaban is a natural first choice for them. A one-time Hogwarts professor said, “Most [prisoners] go mad within weeks”, another big plus for the Immigration Department who usually have to leave people rotting for years to have the same effect.
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Situated on a rock in the North Sea, the costs of transporting refugees to such a remote location would get expensive, but probably still cheaper than the alleged $30k paid to people smugglers to turn back. On the plus side, the Dementors included in the lease would cut down on the amount set aside for soul-sucking monsters in the annual budgets. A representative for the Dark creatures said that they were looking forward to draining peace, hope and happiness from the residents of Azkaban Detention Centre, but expressed concerns with Border Force legislation, labelling it “inhuman even for us”.
The Island from Lost
The Immigration Department are big fans of irony, so setting up nightmarish torture-camps in tropical locations is funnier than The Katering Show to department heads. The Island is a dream fit: full of rugged natural beauty and surrounded by crystalline blue water, it’s far enough from civilisation that the cries of sexual assault victims will continue to fall on deaf ears.
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Like Sayid, Kate, Jack, and Claire, refugees who sought to escape war and devastation in their home countries will be left to wonder if they too are trapped in purgatory. Instead of smoke monsters and stray polar bears, though, they’ll face treatment far worse than anything Damon Lindelof’s mediocre scripts could imagine.
The Phantom Zone
With Manus Island in doubt, and resettled refugees leaving Cambodia, Australia is running out of places to hide the people it has imprisoned for daring to flee persecution, so they’re looking for more…creative solutions. Some young up-and-comer at the Department no doubt earned themselves a promotion by suggesting the prison dimension created by Superman’s father, Jor-El.
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Inmates in the Phantom Zone don’t age or need food, so it’s cost-effective, and stops those pesky hunger strikes. The insubstantial nature of people trapped in the Zone also means they can’t sew their lips shut in protest, or communicate with anyone outside. Journalist Clark Kent has raised concerns about the morality of such a prison, but the Immigration Department are confident they can make the Zone “even more inhumane”.
Mainland Australia 
No, this must be some sort of mistake. I just…can’t even imagine this happening.
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