It was 23 years since I last saw her. I find I difficult to say her name. I never thought I would see her again. I was always afraid I would revert to the little girl I was, scared and disempowered.
Meeting her after all these years wasn't closure, too much time had passed for that and there' nothing to close, there's no resolution needed. It's not to absolve her or forgive her: what she did damaged me permanently and forgiveness is a bridge too far.
What a flurry of emotions: she was my friend and she was my bully. initially we had some laughs and we had things in common. When it was just the two of us we got along so well, but as soon as others were present she destroyed it. She tormented me, picked at me, ostracised me and tore me down until I wanted to leave the world. That was what she wanted, so perhaps that would've been best.
And she almost got it.
I didn't know how I would react or feel when I saw her all these years later, but I knew my heart wouldn't be filled with hate. So much time had passed and I've had some life-altering experiences since then. When I saw her I didn't see the girl who bullied me: I saw a woman who was filled with regret. We embraced. A strange thing, I know, but it was unexpected and at that moment it was the right thing to do. After two decades filled with counsellors, psychologists, doctors and medications I knew at that moment it was only going to do good - as scary as I thought it might be.
I was shocked that she was totally unaware of what she had been doing to me and its impact until it was pointed out to her in a confronting way by a stranger. It was her moment of realisation of the damage she had done to me. From that moment the bullying that had moulded me, was now going to mould her.
But how could she not remember? How could she not remember what she said, what she did? It wasn't just a moment it time, it wasn't months, it was years. It was kinder, primary school and secondary school. Every morning I cried, I didn't want to go to school. What was to be in store for me today? Was she going to be nice or was she going to turn my friends against me? We always had to sit next to each other so how much of my stuff was going to end up on the floor today? Heaven forbid if someone should encourage or compliment me.
But it wasn't just at school, we had the same friends so of course she would take any opportunity to humiliate me anytime, anywhere. We lived so close to each other that we would go to each others houses. At mine we had a friendship and you wouldn't have known anything was unusual. At hers when we played together we had a friendship, but enter one of her family members and she turned. Why didn't I leave this toxic friendship, why did I continue to let her manipulate me with her torturous ways? Did I live in hope? Were the friendly times that good? No, I was stuck. She had been a part of my life for so long and fate seemed to continuously throw us together.
Everything she did, everything she said, was like a paper cut and I was slowly bleeding out. Being bullied is like Lingchi; it's slow, torturous and will end in death.
"But how could she not remember? How could she not remember what she said, what she did?"
We spoke about what happened in our lives since we last saw each other. She told me of her home life growing up and how difficult it was and how it had effected her. Yet she was not making excuses and was forever sorry. She had lived with regret since that confronting moment and it made her an advocate for anti-bullying. Depression and anxiety had touched us both, but unfortunately it had started so much earlier for me. I had always felt weak, despite people telling me otherwise. She said that I wasn't weak, it took strength to meet her. She was angry with herself, she was angry with the schools. Both of us agreed that schools need to step up: speak with the children, speak with the parents, resolutions need to be reached. Yet it goes further than that: so much power has
been taken away from teachers and we need to give it back.
We are both adults now, both mothers, we both want the same for our children; neither to be bullies or to be bullied. A bully is a product of their environment. Some parents live a delusion that their children are perfect and that if they acted a certain way it's because of the other child or the school - anything else but their own actions. 'Toughen up', 'don't be a sook', 'kids will be kids', 'just a phase', 'she's just jealous' - these are not phrases that you should say to your child if they come to you. Don't shut them down or they will shut you out. The question is how much is your child's life worth?
If you need help or to speak to a professional, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit their Crisis Support Chat. For an LBGTQI+ dedicated service call QLife on 1800 184 537 or visit their website.
"I'm going to confront my bully. I'm so frightened." Claire Harding driving to confront her childhood bully. Source: The Feed
The Feed's special episode on bullying airs Tuesday, August 30 at 7.30pm on SBS 2. There's a live chat taking place on The Feed's official Facebook page following the show.
