Comment: 'I have my mums, and my dad'

Michael was raised by two mums, who later separated, and knows his father.

Source: Supplied

I was raised by two mums. Their names are Lois and Louise, which was always such a help - having two mums with almost identical names when trying to explain my situation clearly.

My father was a close friend of my mothers’, I think they lived together in the 80s (and when I asked him about it he said he just wanted to help them out). They tell me these great stories about what was like when they were trying to get pregnant, how my mum would go out and buy my Dad a steak every time they tried because apparently that helped.

They did it at home, all DIY – with this pipette and vegemite jar. I try not to think about it too much because no one really wants to think about the moment they were conceived. But I always think it’s funny how people get freaked out when they think about their parents having sex. I freak out thinking that my biological parents never had sex.

Michael and his father. Source: Supplied

Separation

My mums separated when I was 7. They went to court over custody, and it got pretty messy. It definitely had an impact on me, and I think that’s important to talk about, because there is a level of complexity that might not be as prevalent in hetero couples. I think that, like other kids of separated households – regardless of sexuality - I felt like I had to pick a side. Neither of my parents forced me to choose a side, but when you’re in the playground and your two mums rock up and a kid says, ‘but wait, which is one is your real mum?’ – you end up placing more of an importance on biology. Because that’s what other people are doing. I think as I grew up I could see that as a stress on mine and Louise’s relationship – in that her validity as a parent was always being questioned by others.

Now I have great relationships with both my mums. I have an extremely close relationship with my biological mother. She’s my mamma bear, we’ve always had and always will have this incredible bond. She’ll say ‘pass the thing’ and I know that she means the remote. And Louise and I travelled together through Iceland last year – despite previous ups and downs, our relationship is now amazing, and equally as valid.

My dad and me

My father moved over to Amsterdam when I was ten to marry his husband. He was actually the first Australian to get gay married – which I’m super proud of. I don’t really remember much of the wedding except that I dropped the rings at the ceremony, and that I had my face kissed by a lot of very tall men. My dad was never supposed to be around. I always knew who he was, and we skyped now and then.

But that was fine when I was growing up that he wasn’t around.

I knew that I was different, I was aware that not everyone on the playground had two mums. But I never grieved for this “absent” father. I had my two parents. They were there for me. They both loved me very much.

That’s what gets to me the most, when people say that children have this ‘right’ to a mum, and a dad. They’re implying that, without those two things, we’re gonna grow up tortured. And it’s ludicrous. I’m just as fine as everyone else. Every single other kid I know in a similar position to me is as fine as everyone else. Or at least, I’m as fucked up as everyone else. I didn’t miss out on anything.

Michael with his biological parents. Source: Supplied

A few years ago I moved over to Amsterdam – and I was there for 18 months and had the best time of my life and I really got know my Dad. And that was super special for me, because he’s great guy and we’re very similar  in these weird little ways – you know, on Christmas morning we sat around drinking champagne listening to funk records. And I got to see that that this person is real. He has flaws like any person.

But then, I’ve talked to other kids who have donor dads and they don’t really care at all.

I think what defines a parent is the relationship. I think it’s impossible for me, or anyone else, to define who can or can’t be a parent, or who does and doesn’t have the right to do so. For me, I have three parents. I have my mums, and my dad. And that’s because I view them as such. And I really think that’s all that matters. 

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