For as long as I can remember I’d wanted to become a Detective in the Victorian Police Force. I’d worked so long and so hard and it finally happened. In 1999 I got my promotion. Then, eight years later after seventeen years in the job I found myself on a disability pension, out of the police force.
I was a dedicated cop, I enjoyed the workload, the pace; I’d done undercover work, investigative roles, uniform duties, the lot. But I guess, it just shows how different things can be under the face of it all. I’d been struggling, but it was around the time of that promotion when things really started to go wrong.
Looking back, the signs were there – I started drinking too much, isolated myself, buried myself in work, I virtually didn’t sleep. I cut everyone off; I stopped answering my phone and if I had to, I communicated by text message.
I was so scared that I’d lose it and hurt my two-year-old son.
I’d gone from a hard-working, easy going bloke to someone who was angry, constantly agitated and intense for no particular reason. I guess it was only a matter of time that it affected my family life. I remember sitting on the couch at home, bubbling with anger at the noise my two-year-old was making. I was so scared that I’d lose it and that I’d hurt him somehow. I never did, and that’s something I’m proud of today.
It wasn’t easy for my wife either; she didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t know how to talk about it with her, or with anyone.
At the time Victoria Police was a very male-dominated, macho place to work.No one talked about stress or mental health. Talking about feelings and telling someone that I wasn’t coping was not an option – it would’ve been seen as weak and it would’ve put a question mark over my reputation. I didn’t know where to go or even how to explain what was going on. I wasn’t sure myself.
Victoria Police was a very male-dominated, macho place to work.
Police culture in those days was always ‘go hard’. You had to if you wanted to get somewhere and I knew I wanted to become a detective. So, I pushed on. A year later I called The Police Welfare Unit, and after hanging up the first two times I finally got the courage to say, ‘I need to speak to a counsellor, I’m in trouble’. Within a couple of minutes, I’d broken down in tears. I cried through my first three appointments.
I had 10 months of counselling but I was never honest with my counsellors; I never told them the full extent of what I was going through. I kept bottling it up. I kept going to work, received commendations on my performance and was even awarded a Winston Churchill Fellowship to study overseas.
But my mental health continued to deteriorate. There were times when I’d sit on the couch all night, sometimes I’d call Lifeline. Eventually, months later, I told my counsellor the truth – that I had a suicide plan.
In the five years that followed, I was diagnosed with severe depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and anxiety disorder. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for three months, with another four subsequent admissions. In 2004 I tried to end my life.
I’d reached a turning point. I knew I couldn’t do this myself anymore. I needed support. It was time to be honest with my family, counsellors and with myself about where I was and what I had to do.
I was seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist regularly, I took prescribed medications for my depression and my world slowly changed from black and white to colour.
I’ve had a few setbacks over the years; the road to recovery is an upward climb filled with bumps and hurdles but the treatment and getting back to work has made the world of difference.
Reaching out for help was the first step to getting better.
Getting that promotion to Detective Sergeant is something I’ll always be proud of but it’s also something that surprises me, even today. I really didn’t think I’d get there. I thought I’d be judged because of my illness. It restored my faith in people and my organisation and that life can get back on track, even after everything I’d been through.
Since retiring, life for me is about family, friends, being healthy and maintaining my mental health.This means being aware of how I am travelling, exercising and eating well… generally putting one foot in front of the other. I’m a different person today.
People reading this might be going through something similar and I want them to know I’ve come out of this mentally stronger than I ‘ve ever been before.
If you or someone you know needs support, talk to someone you trust or call one of these support services:
- Lifeline 13 11 14 www.lifeline.org.au
- beyondblue 1300 224 636 www.beyondblue.org.au
- Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au
- MensLine Australia 1300 789 978 www.mensline.org.au
