When I moved from Malawi to Australia, I arrived without work, without a strong grasp of the language and without any friends.
I did have my family – but with all the strain of adapting to a new life, we used to fight and bicker. We were not a strong unit.
My qualification as a cartographer was not recognised and I had to take a job in a nursing home.
Everything was hard and it took a toll on my family.
Just one year after the big move, I gave birth to a very premature baby girl. She was only on this earth for seven months. Losing a baby is unbearable even when life is good. But in my circumstance, this was too much and I nearly took my own life.
My daughter, who was 13 years old at the time, really suffered. She was stuck with a mum who was going through a nervous breakdown and a father who was an emotional abuser.
She did what so many young people do when life at home is not good: she stayed away from home as much as she could. Some nights she did not come home at all. She was drinking and she refused to take directions from her father or myself.
"She did what so many young people do when life at home is not good: she stayed away from home as much as she could."
She was caught drink driving and I became the laughing stock of my community. We had to go to court, her father refused to go with us.
In trying to lead my daughter back to the right track I had to go through a lot of change myself. It started with a cultural shift – I had to treat my daughter as my friend.
I had to adjust from being a very strict mum with strict African family values to being a friendly mum. However, I did not lose my African values. I just expressed myself differently.
As a parent with children living under your roof, you have all the power. When you have all the power, it is easy to abuse it. But when you choose not to yell, when you choose to listen – that is true leadership, and your children will respect you. When they respect you, they listen and they learn.
"When you choose not to yell, when you choose to listen – that is true leadership, and your children will respect you."
In order to teach responsibility, I had to show her I am responsible for my actions and that I am not perfect. Being vulnerable in front of your children is not a weakness. It is a strength.
Today, I allow my daughter to say what she wants to do with her future. If I do not agree with something she says, I will say so, but I do not impose myself on her. How will she learn independence if her parents are forever imposing themselves on her?
But in the spirit of admitting wrongdoing, I did the wrong thing when I forced my daughter to study nursing. She did not like it and she rebelled.
She has since pursued her dream to become a fashion designer. Because she is doing what she loves, she has excelled. Now she has her own label, and has decided to go back to school – 10 years after dropping out. I could not be more proud.
"If I do not agree with something she says, I will say so, but I do not impose myself on her."
When I looked around at other families in my community, I saw my story reflected. Inter-generational conflict is so common in African families and it causes so much pain. I could not stay silent when I knew how to fix the situation. So I started Afri Aus Care. I used my personal hardships and experiences with my daughter to help families who are going through what I experienced.
At Afri Aus Care, we help young people and their families, especially those who have or at at-risk of developing mental illness. We include families because you cannot bring a young person into line without looking at the family dynamics. Dysfunctional families are breeding grounds for troubled youth.
Changing my whole approach to parenting was not easy. But it was absolutely worth it. These days we plan things together, we talk about things that matter and we laugh together. My daughter is my best friend and my biggest supporter – because she knows firsthand the value of fixing a relationship.
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