Watch our special documentary #YesAllMen above.
Steve's Story:
“When I showed up to my first group therapy session, I thought to myself ‘I'm nothing like these blokes. I’m only here because my wife said our marriage depended on it.’
That’s what denial sounds like. I wasn’t yet willing to acknowledge that I hurt the people I cared about most – my family.
People think that domestic violence is all about arguments. In my case, there were no arguments – and that was the problem. I would just shut things down then storm off or throw something and that would be the end of it.
Source: The Feed
I didn’t think being physical like that was a bad thing, because that’s how it was when I was growing up. What I didn’t realise is how this looked through my kids’ eyes. They witnessed all this and it scared them shitless.
What I’ve come to learn is that I didn't want to feel things. I was actually afraid of feelings because they can hurt. But if I don’t confront that hurt, I hurt my family. And I don’t ever want to be that person again.”
Jerry's Story:
“My now ex-wife and I had a violent marriage from the outset. When our oldest boy was little, he used to scream at us to try and get us to stop fighting. But then one day when he saw us having a particularly awful fight, he just quietly walked upstairs to his bedroom and closed his door. He just gave up, resigned to 'this is how it is'. That really brought it home for me.
There was another time when he was playing with his Action Men. He'd built a kind of camp for them and one Action Man came up and was like ‘Hey, that’s a cool den, can I come in?" and the other was like ‘No, fuck off!' It just rolled off his tongue, no guilty looks around, wasn't even an angry outburst. He didn't think anything of it because that's the way he saw his mum and dad speak to each other all the time.
Source: The Feed
It’s really interesting seeing the new guys come in [to group therapy] and say things like, ‘Look, it's not like I punched her. I just slapped her with an open hand’ or 'I didn't smash the mug on her. I just smashed it on the wall beside her. It’s not violence, it’s just me venting.’ That’s the kind of minimizing that is so common among guys – we tell ourselves what we need to hear to make it bearable to live with ourselves.
It can be a bit like that for guys who go down the pub and tell their mates ‘We had a blue and I slapped her’. They’ll say ‘It’s fine, mate. We’ve all been there’. They’re saying what they think you want to hear – not what you need to hear – and probably making themselves feel better about their own abusive behaviour.
Men need to get help from the right place – not their mates – because too many men are killing themselves and their loved ones over this stuff. It's been over eight years since I did the Taking Responsibility course at Relationships Australia and I can honestly say it saved my life.”
If you are a reformed abuser and want to share your recovery story, please send us a private message on Facebook. We will not reveal your identity unless you want us to.
If you or a friend might be in a domestic violence situation, please visit1800respect.org.au or call 1800 737 732.
If you are an abuser and want to find help, please visit Relationships Australia or call 1300 364 277.
