Maybe you’ve known each other since high school. Maybe you bonded at a vegan market. Or maybe you’re workmates who have plunged into the awkward waters of your first social outing after landing sharp jokes on your office chat thread for a while.
And now, you find yourself at a restaurant together. The food is good, the jokes still flowed, and everything feels fine until eventually — the the bill arrives. Somehow, the group managed to get through three bottles of wine. You didn’t realise the bread and butter weren’t free. Someone makes a passive aggressive comment about how salads are “a middle-class luxury”. You thought about telling him you’re vegetarian — but is it worth it if you’ve decided to never share another meal?
Group eating can make or break friendships. At best, we learn about each other’s cash-carrying habits. At worst, we come face-to-face with our own humanity over an extra cocktail or that 60 cents our friend insists we can “take our time” to pay back.
There are dozens of apps that could take care of the restaurant maths. But how do we handle the social cost of bill-splitting? Here are a few common scenarios and how to troubleshoot them.
1. Set things up at the start
No-one’s saying you should keep tabs on how many pieces of sourdough each person has. But nor should anyone go straight for the $50 cote de boeuf without first checking how the bill will be split. “Group dining can be a minefield and often involves someone paying more than what they thought they should,” author and social expert Darleen Barton tells SBS. “Ground rules should be established up front.”
If you’re a small eater, have dietary constraints or are on a budget, it’s OK to politely opt out of sharing at the start. It’ll save you from the stomach-sinking feeling of having to subsidise other people’s meals, or risk ruining a work relationship over a piece of market-price fish.
On the other hand, if you’re in the mood to splash out, find an ally who will go in on sides or that extra bottle of wine, and be sure to let the group know you’ll take care of those items separately. Same goes with cocktails and any other ‘luxuries’. That way everyone will leave dinner with their friendships (and dignity) in tact.
2. …But be flexible with rules
An equal split may be the easiest (and least awkward) protocol. But in the words of Hillary Clinton, there’s merit in “evaluating on a case-by-case basis”.
Clinton may be giving feminist dating advice, but the approach is just as relevant in a group setting. Outside of schools and prisons, most communal eating situations involve people with different incomes and bank balances.
Be mindful of each other’s financial constraints. It doesn’t hurt to shout your best friend who’s working 12-hour days a round of dessert from time to time. Nor is it that unreasonable to cover for someone who happens to be $5 short at the end of the night. Group eating is a long game — it’s all very well to say “it’s the principal that counts”, but you might be the one who forgets their wallet at a cash-only joint next time.
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3. Make sure everyone’s on the same page
It’s fair to assume that being invited to a wedding, like most things that involve long speeches, also comes with a hot meal. But some outings are more ambiguous than others: Are you expected to pay at a friend’s fancy 30th dinner party? What about a 40th? Would you need to fork out for a team-bonding lunch if your manager never mentioned whether it’s on the company?
Don’t be shy to ask about the arrangements beforehand. If you’re organising a birthday/ hen’s night/ group outing, be sure to keep guests posted so there are no surprises. “If the restaurant has a website, share this with everyone so they can get an idea of the meals and costs prior to the booking,” says Barton. On a side note, people may have different expectations when it comes to paying for the person whose life event is being celebrated — it may not seem like a big deal, but to a new partner who barely knows anyone, or the friend who bothered to buy a present, this might feel like a rude shock.
4. Advocate for the vego
Spare a thought for the vegetarians and vegans in your life. Group dining is tough when you are faced with a token risotto (no cheese) half the time. Choose vego-friendly spots when you can — plant-eaters shouldn’t be punished for wanting to break bread with their meat-eating friends.
The same applies to teetotallers (your designated drivers). When the bill comes, speak up for those with dietaries and make sure they aren’t paying for more than they bargained for.
5. Remember your humanity
In the end, you’re eating together because presumably you like each other (or at least one person at the table). Try to be respectful and keep monetary differences in perspective. Apps like Venmo, Splitr, and Osko let you outsource most dollar and cents awkwardness to your smartphone. But remember — group dining isn’t all transactional. There’s always the golden rule of social reciprocity. Remember the good times over falafels and hummus, not so much the $10 Stephanie owes you. It’ll make you a more pleasant dining companion — and someone worthy of spotting should the time at that cash-only joint comes.
