The first time Mariel Topp laid her eyes on Matthew Topp, it was clear-cut, she did not like him. Matt’s stretched ears and tattoos might appear ‘cool’ for some but not for Mariel, who had a conservative upbringing.
“I was brought up like if you have tattoos or if you have earrings, you’re like a bad person,” Mariel shared her earlier unchallenged belief that was consistent from her culturally learned patterns.
But Matt, who got easily attracted with her smile and personality, stepped up. He had put himself to the side and prioritised Mariel and her family.
He would bring flowers to her grandmother. He would spend time with her relatives. He would bring her home at a decent time when they hang out. In short, Matt went through the traditional courtship done in the Philippines to win Mariel’s heart.
Swayed by this and Matt’s hardworking, patient and respectful qualities, Mariel said ‘yes’ and eventually, they tied the knot.
"Personality and her smile; like I said she's always laughing," shared Matt when asked about what attracted him to Mariel. (MTopp) Source: Supplied
Making it work
There are trouble spots in an intercultural marriage that many who are within this relationship have experienced. Communication, in-laws, religion, food, gender roles, sex, and finances are just a few areas where conflicts arise.
But for Mariel and Matt, they were able to accept their differences and navigate on these by focusing on what is universal – that their challenges are all part of human condition.
One of the early obstacles they faced was adapting to each one’s communication style.
“At first it was really hard because the accent is really complicated to understand but I’m getting there,” revealed Mariel.
Mariel, a Broadcast Communication graduate from Manila, was quick to admit this gap in communication. But she confronted it with positive attitude by taking a step back and reaching out to her workmates, her Australian uncle and her husband, to teach her the Australian slangs.
“I know I speak quite quickly like especially to someone who doesn’t speak English as a native language so I slow down what I’m saying or say it in different ways,” shared Matt in relation to how he supports Mariel in addressing their barriers in communication.
"I think it's not hard to overcome these barriers if you love the person. When I look at Matt's eye, I know straight away what's in it," shared Mariel. (MTopp) Source: Supplied
High-context vs low-context communication
Another construct within the couple’s communication style that surfaced was the high-context versus low-context communication.
Those who were brought up in a low-context culture like Matt communicates more explicitly than those from a high-context culture like Mariel who communicates in a less direct way - but with more underlying meaning.
Mariel was able to acclimatize on this difference. But her mum struggled with it. Mariel shared, “Because sometimes my mum would put food and would keep on calling Matt because you know, Filipino way, ‘Lalamig ang pagkain,’ (the food will go cold), and then when Matt said, ‘No, no, I’m full!’, my mum sometimes said, ‘Maybe, he doesn’t like what I cooked.’ [I said] ‘No, no, mum, when they don’t want to eat, they don’t want to eat’.”
Mariel appreciated the direct verbal communication of her husband and the culture of Australians in general: “That’s one thing I like about Australian culture as well, is that they are black and white; they would say what they want, and it doesn’t have any double meanings in it.”
"I don't have problems with Matt dealing with my family," Mariel admitted. (MTopp) Source: Supplied
Indeed, there is much acceptance in their intercultural marriage within the Australian society compared to intercultural couples with an added layer of huge age difference; they are more vulnerable to societal disapproval. This reduced the hurdles of Mariel and Matt in their everyday living.
(L-R) Akira Topp with Jollibee (MTopp) Source: Supplied
Instilling Filipino values
Now that they are also proud parents to Akira, Mariel emphasised that what is important for her and Matt is to see their daughter grow as a good person.
She disclosed of not teaching her child the Filipino values but simply demonstrating it to her. Her reason was she’s worried her daughter would get confused when she starts school and meet friends who are raised the Australian way.
Mariel was cautious on this because she experienced similar confusion when she was a new migrant in Queensland. Bringing her conservative Filipino values and going through the early stage of acculturation then, it stopped her from being outgoing as she had a narrow ‘window of tolerance’ to nonsimilarity before.
For her daughter, Mariel said, “[It] doesn’t matter what she believes in, as long as she’s a good person, that’s enough.”
"It's just one of our traits as a couple, we laugh at each other, we make fun of each other," shared Mariel about their relationship. (MTopp) Source: Supplied
Embracing their differences
Marital satisfaction is apparent on this interracial couple. Mariel and Matt managed to understand the behavior, beliefs, and values of one another by connecting it to the context of their cultural upbringing. And from there, embracing what is ‘foreign’ of the other.
Mariel was proud of what they have accomplished in the past three years – having a house of their own and having full-time jobs to secure the future of their daughter.
She said it is important for interracial or monoracial couples to always have the space for mistakes and thinking that it could be overcome if you are together.
“The best thing of marrying someone is knowing you’ll have a friend for the rest of your life. A friend, who no matter what, even if you’re being bad or you’re having your worst day, they would still be there to help you and let you know what you have to do,” she added.
As for Matt, he shared that they would always do the best they can to work through things and stay happy. For him, Mariel is the best thing that happened to him.
“I love her to bits. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Many more [years] to come. And hopefully, we’ll grow our family more as well.”
