It’s not something that I would ever have thought that I would have to go through - a trial to get my alleged rapist convicted. The feeling of walking into that court room day after day will stay with me forever. I was one of the lucky women, I only had to wait a year to see my rapist in court. Many women can wait numerous years to get to trial and that’s something that needs to change.
During the trial of my rapist I was made to feel like I was an inch tall. I was told that I was lying and it was implied that I somehow deserved what happened to me due to the clothes I was wearing or text messages that were exchanged. In no way, shape or form does a woman or man want to be sexually assaulted; nothing they are wearing can give anyone the right to do that to them.
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During the trial I was brutally cross-examined by the defence and everything that I had said and done that night was put under a microscope. I felt so alone and isolated up on that witness stand, like everyone in that room was judging the person I was based on that one night, that one thing that happened to me. A survivor of something like sexual assault should not be made to feel this way. I personally felt like I was dirty, not worth being there and that I should just give up and call off the trial.
There were numerous times I was made to feel this way during the cross-examination. When I was asked about my clothing, my texts, my “noises.” Why didn’t I yell out for help? Why didn’t I fight him off? I’m a small woman, only 163cm tall, and my rapist was at least 30cm taller than me. That’s why I didn’t fight him off, that’s why I didn’t yell out for help, because I was scared he would have hurt me. During the trial, that didn’t matter though. The process made me feel like I was the guilty one and that his client was the victim.
“I wasn’t his first, I might not have been the third or fourth, but I will make sure I’m his last.”
If you had asked me during the trial, I would have said that I hoped his lawyer died and burned in hell, but now? It’s taken me almost two years to understand that he was just doing his job, there was no malice personally from this lawyer, just that he had a job to do and he needed to do it to the best of his abilities. Defence lawyers can’t always pick their clients, they can’t do a poor job in court otherwise they‘d never be able to get another client so to the defence lawyer, on the chance that he reads this, I forgive you.
There are some radical changes that need to be made within the court system for victims of sexual assault. When I was going through all of this, I was given three counsellor appointments. Three. That is nowhere near enough for any woman that is going through this entire process. And I only had to wait a year; many women have to wait far longer. How is three appointments enough to make sure these women are doing fine? For over a year after my assault, I was continuously suffering from nightmares, night terrors and PTSD. My anxiety had hit a new high and without my family around me throughout the entire process, I wouldn’t have had the strength to continue it all.
*Sarah has bravely broken her silence to speak about her experience going through the legal system as a sexual assault victim. Photo: Insight Source: Insight
Victims of sexual assault need support within the court room too. They need a professional therapist available to them as the process of cross-examination is both mentally and emotionally harrowing. During my cross-examination, I ran out of the court room crying. I just couldn’t take the constant badgering anymore. I wanted it to stop and I just needed to get out of there.
Sexual assault victims need to be able to stand up without fear and get the justice they rightly deserve. They don’t deserve to be belittled, accused and made to feel like they are an inch tall. They deserve support not currently provided by the courts and they deserve so much better than the treatment they get throughout the trial process. If you have been the victim of sexual assault, I strongly urge you to report it to the police and go through the trial process. It will not be easy, I won’t lie, but something that got me through was the mantra: “I wasn’t his first, I might not have been the third or fourth, but I will make sure I’m his last.”
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Support services
National
Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence National Help Line
1800 Respect (1800 737 732)
