I'm 50, I've failed, and I finally feel like myself

In her 40s, Sarah experienced divorce, alcoholism and job loss. Now in her 50s, she's reinventing herself.

Turning 50 marked a new era in Sarah's life. Source: Supplied

Insight asks — is turning 50 a big deal? From mid-life crises to menopause, finding undiscovered family members and starting afresh, watch Insight episode Turning 50 on SBS On Demand.

Stream free On Demand

Turning Fifty

episode • Insight • 

News And Current Affairs • 

52m

episode • Insight • 

News And Current Affairs • 

52m

For me, turning 50 was a chance to celebrate surviving some dark times in my life — and the opportunity to reinvent myself.

Eight years earlier, the contrast in my life was stark.

My marriage was ending, I'd developed disordered eating, I worked long hours in politics, and I drank every day.

Throughout the turbulence, alcohol was my constant.

When my ex-husband and I separated, I moved into a townhouse in the city. With the joint custody arrangement, I was by myself a lot more often.

Suddenly, I had more time on my hands and my own money to buy new clothes.

With these changes, the attention from others suddenly flowed — just like the champagne I was drinking.

Alcohol was my solace during stress, and then it became my party companion.

And party, I did.

'I couldn't stop partying'

I said yes to every social invitation, and I even rocked up events that I wasn't invited to.

My networks were wide — mainly through the social and alcohol-fueled nature of my role, which I saw as 'work hard, play hard'.

Younger men who showed interest in me fanned my ego. What can I say? They probably loved my drunken chutzpah — sprinkled with a touch of mothering and worldliness.

Though the response from others around me was a mixture of bemusement and horror.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, everyone else stopped partying, but I couldn't. My days were long, and my nights were very dark.

I was drinking not because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to.

I had no idea who I was.

But I had to work that out on my own.

Entering recovery

It was a long climb out of the abyss on the road to sobriety, with many false starts and moments of despair.

But now, I've been in recovery for the past four years and attend support groups.

I've had to deal with all the issues I was avoiding, from trauma to chronic physical ailments.

Committing to healing has been a difficult but beautiful experience.

I've also learnt to be with myself without anaesthetising myself.

There was a moment at a friend's wedding in 2024 that was pivotal in helping me work out what to do next in my career and life.

Having just been sacked from a government role, I asked the waitstaff what the alcohol-free options were.

The answer was something along the lines of "just water and lemonade".

I felt frustrated by these limited options. But they also sparked an idea within me — I felt sober and sober-curious people deserved a more enticing range.

Could I start a business in mocktail workshops and catering events?

Sarah started her own business teaching mocktail workshops. Source: Supplied

I soon enrolled in two courses: a women's mentoring program and a business qualification.

I was overwhelmed at first when I realised how much I didn't know about accounting, websites, tax, legislation and so on.

But I had to suck it up and put my nose to the grindstone if I wanted to forge my new career. Plus, so many people were ready to help me by sharing their business and marketing nous.

It's now been a year since I officially launched my business. My kitchen table is my office, and my son's old bedroom is my stock room.

Celebrating the downhill run

My life at 50 years old is nothing like I expected.

I'm a small-business founder, voice-over artist and gardener. I'm also a mother who is teaching her youngest how to drive.

I feel completely different to the person I was in my 40s. Having done an extensive amount of inner work, I'm calmer and content.

I often assess whether my actions and choices feel congruent with who I am and who I want to be. But I'm also okay sitting with ambiguity while I figure out the answers.

Sarah and her two kids. Source: Supplied

At 50, I'm on the downhill run. I'm probably not going to get another 50 years of good health and being limber.

I don't say this to alarm; I say this to appreciate the time I do have.

I refuse to concede to the narrative that 'all is woe' as you get older. I am grateful to have been given a second chance, and I am seizing the opportunity.

Now I am someone that my 16-year-old and 22-year-old want to spend time with — and I'm my own best friend.

The past decade has been incredibly difficult, but it's been well worth it. I finally feel I've come into my full self.

If you or someone you know needs support in relation to their alcohol use, you can call the National 24/7 Alcohol and Other Drugs Hotline on 1800 250 015, a confidential, non-judgemental telephone counselling, information and referral service, free of charge.

For crisis and mental health support, contact Lifeline (13 11 14), SANE Australia (1800 187 263) or 13Yarn (139 276), a 24/7 Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islanders crisis support line.

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