It is a sort of primal fear similar to the experience when viewing a horror movie for the first time. My heart beats fast, my palms get sweaty and my limbs don’t function properly.
I’m not sure how it started, but I’ve always been uneasy around spiders. Growing up I recall mum being quite afraid of them and maybe I learnt to associate spiders with ‘scary’ and ‘evil’. As a toddler it wasn’t uncommon for me to hallucinate that there were hundreds of spiders climbing my walls when I was sick. The giveaway to mum that they weren’t real was that they were usually pink spiders that I saw.
When I was eight I moved to a new bedroom on our recently built second storey. Facing the bedroom was a massive pine tree that was planted when dad was growing up in the house next door and as such he has grown quite attached to it. Unfortunately, every summer that tree would send its eight-legged inhabitants into the open window of my room. This led me to deal with spiders a lot more often than I would have liked.
I spent a number of years volunteering for the Country Fire Authority in Victoria and that resulted in a few spider confrontations. Our protective clothing became a warm home for big bush huntsmen whenever it was left alone so I developed a habit of never removing any of my gear no matter how hot or uncomfortable I got.
In 2012, as a twenty year old, I decided to embark on an adventure around the world. I remember being quite relieved that I wouldn’t have to confront any more spiders coming through my window and I had been assured that due to the cold climate in England, I wasn’t likely to face any whilst there. Perversely, a psychologist told me that my newfound independence may have actually awoken my true spider phobia, as it was about to become a lot worse.
Months later when I arrived home, I was up late one night skyping my partner Taylah while she was still in England. Suddenly, across the other side of the room I saw a whitetail spider scuttling across the wall – the first time I’d seen a spider in a long time. After an unsuccessful attempt at looking brave in front of the camera – I had half-heartedly lobbed a shoe at it from 10 feet away - the spider darted under my bed. I decided to move out of my room and sleep in the spare guest room on the other side of the house. I left mum a note to tell her why I was in the room and that I wouldn’t return until it was dead – it truly was a case of him or me. Mum never found the spider and I never slept another night in that room.
A few months later Taylah was back in Australia and we had moved into an apartment in Sydney. My phobia was now at the worst it had ever been and I was constantly scanning the room for signs of spiders - I even do it now as I sit and type this. One night Taylah had travelled back to Tamworth to see her family, leaving me to fend for myself. Whilst I was watching late night TV I saw the distinctive shadow of a huntsman on my ceiling. I rang Taylah but at 2.30am she was never going to pick up so I tried mum. She did pick up, she also woke dad up thinking someone was in immediate danger. After two minutes of them trying to talk me into disposing of this beast I decided the best course of action was to sleep in the car all night until Taylah came home and dealt with it. My phobia was starting to really impact me - I couldn’t be left alone with my fear.
It wasn’t until I recently met others with similar phobias that I considered just how much my fear of confronting a spider was consuming my day-to-day life. We are all terrified of crashing our cars at high speed in the event of a spider running across the dashboard and quite a number of people have developed other anxiety issues. Some have a partner check their Facebook in case there are triggers such as spider status’ or pictures.
After discussions with other phobic people, both those that have and haven’t received treatment for their condition, I have decided to look into my treatment options. I look forward to a future without experiencing absolute terror every time I see a shadow on the wall and without feeling as if something is watching me whilst I sleep.
Matt is a guest on Insight at 8.30pm on SBS, which brings together people with different phobias and hears from experts about the different treatments including exposure therapy, hypnotherapy and even a new pill.
