I felt trapped in this darkness. I couldn’t sleep, I was drowning in a sea of sadness, I had no interest in in the future, I had zero motivation in doing anything, and at times I contemplated suicide.
I knew I was at a dangerous place mentally, so I saw my GP, who referred me to a psychologist and I was diagnosed with depression.
During the years between 2012 and 2014, a lot was going on in my life. I was going through divorce, I was concerned about losing my children, I had financial issues and work was very stressful. Everything happened at once and it took its toll.
As a doctor, it was difficult to make my diagnosis public. I was concerned it would impact my future employment. Telling my work that I needed time off proved to be hard. The reaction to me wanting to have a break was not great. Despite that, I decided to temporarily step away from work. I knew that I had to get better for myself and for my two children.
The initial days of seeing a psychologist were difficult. Perhaps as a bloke it was hard for me to speak about my feelings to another person. I went on antidepressants, and as time went by I found it easier to speak about how I felt. I was also able to obtain some behavioural therapy tools to help me recover. One of these tools included setting up some goals that could occupy me physically and mentally.
Source: Photo by Terry Tan De Hao
One goal I set was to do more swimming, as I had always enjoyed being in the water. In 2015 I attempted to swim the English Channel solo, but I wasn’t able to complete it. In 2016, after 18 months of preparation, I was able to almost swim the 33 kilometre distance between England and France in 12.5 hours. I was 1.5 kilometres away from the finish line when I had to stop due to illness.
In 2017 I completed the 19.7 kilometre Rottnest Channel Swim in 10 hours. By this time I was well into my recovery journey.
As my recovery progressed I decided to wear colourful socks, as I thought they would make me feel happier. My dog, that, was a puppy at the time, was obsessed with throwing my socks around. As a result, I ended up wearing mismatched socks at work on several occasions. People noticed and reacted. This gave me the idea to start the social campaign CrazySocks4Docs: a mental health awareness day.
The biggest lesson for me has been to put family and self before career.
Every year on the 1st of June, doctors wear colourful socks, take a photo and post it online as a way of raising mental health awareness among doctors.
I’m now also an ambassador for Beyond Blue. I share my experience as a way to raise awareness about mental illness.
Unfortunately, I feel mental illness is still stigmatised within the medical industry and within the broader society. More has to be done by all of us. R U OK Day is an opportunity to ask someone you know, how they are. This day and Mental Health Week in October every year is a positive step towards minimising that stigma as people like me are able to share our experience.
As I look back, I know that I was in a very dangerous place. But I’m glad that my kids have grown up with their father sill in their lives.
The biggest lesson for me has been to put family and self before career. Everyone needs to work, but everyone needs to make their mental health a priority.
Helplines
Lifeline
13 11 14
https://www.lifeline.org.au
Beyond Blue
1300 22 4636
https://www.beyondblue.org.au
