I have always associated the word father with adjectives such as strict, angry, controlling and other destructive words. That’s who my father was to me growing up. When I found out that my wife was pregnant, and I was going to become a father, the first thought that popped into my head was “am I ready for this?” I’m sure I’m not the only parent that has ever asked that question of themselves.
Growing up, I remember doing a lot of fun things with my father. We used to play cards together, he would get me to be his ‘apprentice’ when he was fixing things around the house or servicing the family car. I learnt a lot from him. Even to this day, my father is the smartest man I know. He was always strategic in his thinking; he was very diligent, and he always had an answer to every question that was asked of him. I remember accompanying my father when he used to go to community and family gatherings. Most of these would be all male gatherings where he and his friends would sit around a large table, drink tea, smoke shisha and talk about world politics. I had no choice but to act mature and listen to these conversations even though at the time, I could not think of anything more boring than politics.
As the only boy in the family, naturally I looked up to my father.
Later in life I learnt the phrase that described him best – a carpenter without a home. My father was too busy attending to the community’s needs and not his family’s.
At all the community gatherings we attended, almost every single person knew my father. They respected him and were proud of him and his achievements. Some even used to come up to me and tell me that my father was such a gentleman and that I should follow in his footsteps.
What they didn’t know was when my father was at home things would either be tense and volatile or he would be distracted and mentally and emotionally absent. I guess they didn’t know about the abuse and violence that went on for decades behind closed doors and we didn’t disclose this publicly until we fled the family home in 2009. My father was seen and labelled as a community leader.
And it was to everyone’s surprise and horror when my father killed my mother at a public gathering in front of hundreds of witnesses.
Arman and his mother Zahra. Arman's mother Zahra was murdered in front of 300 people, by his father Zia. Source: Supplied
As the only boy in the family, naturally I looked up to my father. He was my role model and as a young kid I inherently picked up a lot of his traits, both good and bad. His diligence, his focus on the community and the characteristic I admired the most which was his persistence – he barely ever took no for an answer.
I also learnt from my father’s negative traits. It was these qualities that turned our family home into a pressure cooker. I sometimes hated what my family home felt like and I promised myself to never do what my father did when I had a family of my own. As I grew older, I noticed moments where my behaviour was similar to that of my father’s – manipulation, jealousy, emotional abuse. And so I began a new process of learning. I learnt how not to control and manipulate loved ones and that violence and abuse in any form, did not belong in the family home.
I want to be the type of father I wish I had.
My son is two weeks old now and this is the first Father’s Day for me as a dad. The idea of becoming a father is slowly settling in my mind. Ever since I found out that I was going to be a father I started to think about the type of father I want to be. It is not the type that I had – one who was all about creating fear within the household, who ruled with an iron fist and one who “disciplined” his family by physically assaulting them. I want to be the type of father I wish I had. One that would be a good role model, respects his family, disciplines his children by showing them right from wrong, showing them how to love and expressing their affection toward their family. Of course there are many fathers like that and they deserve to be celebrated.
Fatherhood, or broadly speaking, parenthood comes with lots of challenges. The sleepless nights, changing nappies, teething and all those tiring duties is where it starts. The real test lies in the morals, values and ethics you raise your children with. They say that one father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. Becoming a father automatically makes you a role model for your children.
I want my child (or children) to learn from me, from my positive actions and words. I don’t want my children to learn what not to do from me as I did with my father.
Arman Abrahimzadeh OAM is an anti-domestic violence campaigner.
For support call the national domestic violence crisis line on 1800 737 732.
