It was the middle of the day and I was lying in bed, crying, seriously contemplating ending my life. My body hurt, my mind hurt and I was exhausted. I was drinking a bottle of wine every night and smoking half a packet of cigarettes a day. I was taking medication for my depression, which my psychiatrist said I would have to be on for the rest of my life. My marriage was on the rocks and the only thing that kept me going was my two daughters.
In the midst of all this I just knew there had to be a way out so I googled ‘research treatment for depression’ and I came across the SMILES (Supporting the Modification of lifestyle in Lowered Emotional States) trial. I applied and within a couple of days found out I had been accepted. I jumped at the chance and thought it was worth a try since nothing else has worked.
Within two weeks of meeting with the nutritional specialist, who advised me that I would be participating on the nutritional side of the trial I started feeling like there was hope. I have always been a big believer in eating well, however when suffering from depression it was very difficult to feed the family let alone myself.
After my first session I learnt what I would and should be eating, I felt in control and empowered to try and get out of this black hole that I was drowning in. Someone was there to do the thinking for me and I just followed the instructions.
As the trial went on, I ate more and more good food. I was never a processed food junkie but my biggest problem was that I didn’t eat enough and I lived on coffee, wine and cigarettes. The coffee and the cigarettes stayed for a while but the wine started to disappear. I didn’t feel the need for it and I started craving better food. I finally had an appetite again.
By the end of the trial I was well on my way to feeling good again. I was motivated to learn more about nutrition and I thought I could use my experience to help others, so I began my Diploma of Health Science (nutritional medicine).
A year into the two year course, things started to fall down again. I was getting out of the habit of eating healthy food due to the stress of studying, being a mother and a housewife - it was all too much. I quit the course.
I remembered how I felt when I was eating well and desperately wanted to get back there, so I dug deep and slowly but surely started to drag myself out of the hole.
Back on the right track again, and armed with the information that I received on the trial, I soldiered on. I took note of how I felt after I ate certain things, I started researching whole and raw foods and foods that course inflammation and I started exercising by walking 4-5kms a couple of times a week - something I realised I really enjoyed doing.
I joined a couple of ‘meet up’ groups and found a great group who I began going on regular hikes with. This gave me the motivation to continue eating well and I started to give up the cigarettes. You just can’t get up those hills with a lung full of nicotine and poison.
Then in January 2018 my husband and I moved our family back to our home town of Brisbane to start a new chapter of our life. I continued to hike and eat well. I found a personal trainer who helped me be accountable for exercise and I decided to challenge myself and train for an endurance walk that was always on the ‘I would like to but I couldn’t do’ list. On 22nd June I finished the 100km trail walk for Oxfam in under 32 hours. Without good food I would never have been able to train like I have.
Sarah believes the SMILE trial saved her life. Photo: Supplied. Source: Supplied
I have lost 8kgs and gone down a dress size. I still drink my coffee but I stick to decaf after midday. I have the odd glass of wine with friends but two glasses and that is enough and but I am very proud to say that the cigarettes have certainly not followed me to Brisbane.
Unfortunately, over Christmas, I fell back in the hole. The stress of moving house, caring for my husband who had injured himself and the business of the silly season all got too much.
Fortunately my trainer and close friends helped me get back on track with my diet. Slowly I took every meal one by one and tried to incorporate nutritionally dense food into each meal. A couple of weeks later and I am feeling better. Each day I am improving.
Every day I work on my demons. Every day I work on quietening that inner voice that argues with me. It yells at me at night telling me I am a terrible mother, a horrible wife and an annoying friend.
Eating well, exercising, drinking plenty of water and getting enough me time gives me the strength to shut it up. I do the best I can.
I am so proud of myself and I am thankful every day that the SMILES trial showed me what I need to do to help myself and I believe it saved my life.
Life is hard. But fuelling our bodies with the right fuel just helps us manage it the best way we can.
