I became a grandparent at 37 when our other kids were in primary school. We felt guilty

What does grandparenting look like today? Insight explores whether the demands on modern-day grandparents are keeping them physically fit and mentally well, or if the younger generations' wants and needs are being prioritised to the detriment of grandparents. Watch Insight episode Grandparenting on SBS On Demand.

Matt:

I love telling people I'm a grandfather at 39, then immediately stopping to leave dead silence between us.

Their eyes widen, and you see them do calculations in their head — wondering if they should ask the follow-up question: "How old were you when you had your first child?"

After a few seconds, I explain how my wife and I met when I was 18, and she was 22 and already had a three-year-old, Ethan. And Ethan and his wife, Maddy, had a child named Illyria when he was 22 years old — almost two years ago now.

At times, I feel like I'm leading a double life.

One minute, I'm doing school pickup or coaching our second son Zander's U12 rugby team.

The next, my wife Esther asks if I remembered to put our two-year-old granddaughter Illyria's car seat in the car to pick her up for a sleepover.

We threw all our baby stuff out the moment our youngest Eden was too big for it five years ago. We weren't expecting to need it so soon — only three years later.

Unexpected guilt

But being a young grandparent brought a feeling I never expected: guilt.

Arguably, most older grandparents have children who are all grown up and they are retired — or close to it — and have the free time to put more energy into their grandchildren.

And sometimes, I feel a pang of jealousy for these older grandparents. I'm not jealous because it's a competition, but because they're at a stage of life with extra time to help their children.

It's a big juggling act trying to be there for everyone.

There are benefits to being a younger grandparent, though.

We have more energy (we like to think) and remember what it was like to have a baby in the house. I mean, it was only six years ago that Eden, 9, was a toddler.

She and our granddaughter absolutely adore each other, and their relationship is somewhat unconventional, with just a seven-year age gap.

Eden is known as 'Yaunty' (young aunty), and her duties look more like a sister's duties. I love watching her play with her niece and getting the experience of having a little sister. 

And watching our 23-year-old Ethan become a dad has been the next best thing to becoming one myself.

He's not just attentive as a father, but he gives his heart fully to his wife and daughters. (I should mention they've just had another baby, Ananyah, who is one week old as I write this.)

He and I were extremely close when he was little, and we had a bit more distance when he was a teenager, becoming his own man, which is a normal and healthy rite of passage for parents and teens.

But Ethan moving into fatherhood has brought us closer once more. Now we bond over all the classic 'dad topics' such as lawns, what's the best decking oil and smoking meat.

My and Esther's life looks very different to our friends around us, although it always has.

Retirement will be very different too. There's a very good chance we won't just have grandchildren the day we retire; we might also have great-grandchildren.

Esther:

My son Ethan and his wife Maddy became serious quickly and married within two years. When they were pregnant a year into their marriage at 22, I had the brief, selfish thought, "I'm too young to be a grandmother."

But it passed quickly.

Matt, as always, helped me see the bigger picture. He was over the moon, crying tears of happiness from the moment they told us.

And I reminded myself how lucky I was.

The stigma I experienced as a young mum was never a reflection of what my life could become.

My life was the antidote to that judgement, and now I was going to be the best Granny I could be.

Being a teenage mum

Being a mum at 17 was not how I expected my story to go. I felt very alone when I was pregnant and realised how much my life was changing.

All my friends had a freedom I knew I wouldn't have anymore, and I felt the weight of responsibility like a backpack I carried everywhere.

But alongside those feelings was an immense love for my son Ethan and a real hope that I could give him a beautiful life.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. If my purpose was simply to be his mum, then that was enough — and I was going to give it everything I had.

Ethan and I were a tight-knit duo, and after recently being dumped, I was even more determined to prove I could navigate motherhood and life as a single woman.

But right when my career and independence were about to take off, I met Matt at a party in our hometown of Toowoomba. He made me laugh. A lot.

A natural parent

Neither of us thought it would go anywhere; he was 18, and I was a 22-year-old single mum to a three-year-old.

We also had eight weeks before we were both moving to different cities for work, so we spent as much of that time together as we could.

After six weeks, we both knew we were in trouble and decided to be together and try having a long-distance relationship.

Matt met Ethan after three months, and they hit it off immediately.

I had told him Ethan already had wonderful male role models in his life and that any relationship between them could develop naturally, without labels.

But it quickly became obvious that Matt naturally parented Ethan and that he was falling in love with my son.

I knew he loved kids and wanted a bigger family. Eventually, he simply came home from work one day and said, "I want another baby. It's never going to be a good time."

He was right; and we gave Ethan two younger siblings, who are now also a wonderful uncle and aunty to our granddaughters.

The greatest gift

Along with being a parent, being a grandmother in my early 40s has been one of the greatest gifts of my life.

At times, though, I wish I could spend more one-on-one time with Illyria because she is just coming along to our kids' sports and activities when we babysit her.

Watching my daughter and middle son adore their nieces and play with them like they are little again makes my heart so full.

And I get to love and spoil these beautiful little reflections of my son and daughter-in-law — without the hourly feeds and the 1,000 nappy changes a day.

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