My partner and I met online. Within the first few weeks of us talking, Daniel told me that he was a recovering addict. He talked to me about being on an opiate replacement program for a previous heroin addiction and having been hooked on ice previously. I think at the time, my understanding of a ‘recovering’ addict was that it was an end point. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I knew people could relapse, but I thought it meant it wouldn’t get too ‘out of hand’. And that is the real joke, I thought I knew what ‘out of hand’ was.
A year or so into our relationship he had his first lapse . He reached out for support straight away – I thought my assumptions were right. This wouldn’t get too bad.
Then another relapse and that lead to another relapse. It became a cycle of many lapses.
At its worst it reached a point where Daniel would not come home for hours at a time. I would be spinning into a place of complete dysregulated reaction – calling him 25 times in a row, demanding he come home, and in one fear fuelled moment I even keyed his car.
I have a foundation of truth and love that I really had given up on believing in.
Throughout this ordeal Daniel has tried to engage with a variety of support groups to deal with this illness.
He has ended his opiate replacement program, he has tried different medications, he has stayed at rehabilitation facilities and engaged with a variety of counselling services. In other words, he has tried every tool available to him to not have the substance in his life. This has also meant that Daniel has been away for long stretches of time.
As his partner I have been fortunate enough to be part of some group work for family members of addicts. My biggest take away from these support groups is not to allow their addiction to stop me from living my life.
Self-care for me is stuff like familiar movies and TV shows, baths, the bush and most importantly my people. And finding people who I can openly and honestly talk to are few. People do not understand. If they aren’t abrupt enough to say “why don’t you leave” then they say those caring things that still leave you feeling stupid for the commitment you have made. Things like “I could not do it” and “He’s so lucky to have you”. So, I have gradually paired down my support network to those people who can honour his pain as much as what I am experiencing. That includes my old friends, family, phone help lines and my own support workers and - possibly most importantly - friends I have met through Daniel – yes, including active drug users who are incredible people.
It has been a painful lesson that I actually cannot help him recover.
Have I thought about leaving? Yes. Do I think I will leave? No. I am committed to this man. I feel like what we have been through in this short time – including having a beautiful little girl together – has meant we know one another on a much more honest and transparent level than many relationships. I think there is an inherent deceit in addiction, the shame of using and the secrecy of that world means that it’s unavoidable at times. However, in the long run Daniel and I have a foundation of truth and love that I really had given up on believing in.
Being with Daniel I have grown so much in our four years together. I have learned more about myself in these four years than the preceding 36 combined.
It has been a painful lesson that I actually cannot help him recover. This is his responsibility and the best I can be for him is loving, forgiving and non-judgmental. From what I have seen, his relapses are the result of some re-awakened major trauma in his past.
The message I want to spread to people who are sharing a life with someone who lives with an addiction is to not give up. I realise it is different person to person – Daniel is past the place of spending all the money on drugs, of putting others at risk and that stereotype of ice making people violent. It just hasn’t been apparent for us. Even if things are difficult though, I think my story is one of hope. Once a person with an addiction wants to recover everything else, including a relapse, is just life.
This too shall pass.
For crisis support: Lifeline 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au. For alcohol and drug support: 1800 250 015 counsellingonline.org.au. For gambling support: 1800 858 858 or gamblinghelponline.org.au
