In high school, I felt like I was lying to everyone. Then I hit my breaking point

Elliot was assigned female at birth but came out as trans at age 15. Before then, he felt like he was constantly in gender limbo.

Twenty-two-year-old Elliot says he felt isolated, confused, and misunderstood navigating gender identity in his early teenage years. Source: SBS

Insight asks members of the trans community whether we have the balance right as medical pathways for trans youth become restricted in some parts of the world and Australia. Watch Insight episode Trans Medicine on SBS On Demand.

Episode of Insight. News And Current Affairs. 52 minutes.

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Trans Medicine

episode • Insight • News And Current Affairs • 52m

From the ages of 10 to 15, I felt like I was lying to everyone who knew me.

I felt constantly like I was in a gender limbo and didn't belong on either side of the binary gender stereotypes present in my school. I didn't relate to the girls my age, but I also didn't feel I could act like the boys.

I went to a private school that had religious connections and gendered blazers, and I felt the sexuality education was insufficient and some of the staff were homophobic and transphobic.

In these five years, I felt isolated, misunderstood, neglected, and confused.

'A cycle of hating myself'

Before the age of 10, I didn't really care much about gender or pronouns.

I grew up presenting as quite androgynous, which gave me the label of "tomboy" for a while.

If I were dressed up like a little boy and someone 'misgendered' me, I wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

However, by the age of 12 or 13, being referred to as "she" and "her" really started to bother me. I didn't know why, nor did I feel that I could tell anyone.

Elliot (pictured here in 2024) says he didn't start to think about gender or pronouns until he was 10 years old. Source: Supplied

My mental health significantly declined in the next few years, and I found it difficult to manage.

I started feeling ashamed for not wanting to be referred to as a female.

This led to a cycle of hating myself, wanting connection and understanding, focusing on gender stereotypes that society pushes on adolescents, then right back to hating myself again.

I remember my screaming internal thoughts: "I'm not like you", "I don't want this", "I wish there was a third option", and then: "You are safer if you keep this to yourself".

Not broken, just different

I believe children are not given as much credit as they are due, especially when it comes to forming their own identity and questioning themselves.

I clearly remember someone saying things to me like "that's not what girls do" or "you are supposed to do things this way" when I was a young teen who had been assigned the label of female at birth.

I would think to myself, "Why does that matter? I'm not hurting anyone, I'm just a little different".

It wasn't inherently wrong that other people in my life would say things like that to me at that time, but I would be lying if I said their words didn't impact me and my view of gender diversity when I was a child

I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was broken.

But I am not; I am just different.

The decision to come out

My family's move to Victoria became the breaking point and catalyst for my coming out when I was 15 years old.

It felt like a fresh start; I was moving away from an environment where I felt restricted, and everyone knew me. It made sense.

I waited for everything to settle down with my new school and new home — and then I came out.

It was a scary time, not because I was afraid of rejection — but because I knew that once I did come out, lots of things would change.

Elliot says he feels much more genuine and himself since coming out seven years ago. Source: Supplied

And they did change — but for the better.

My parents were very supportive and helped me access gender-affirming treatment.

Going through the gender clinic with my psychologist and paediatrician at 15, then accessing hormone therapy at 17, made me feel like I had autonomy in my life.

I felt taken seriously and finally understood.

I have felt more like myself and more genuine since coming out seven years ago.

I would have come out sooner if I hadn't felt so pressured — by my own self-judgement and the social status quo of the early 2000s — to conform to the narrow standards of a gender binary.

But I gradually learnt not to care about what others thought about me and how I presented myself, which is what led to me coming out.

I realised that you can't make everyone like you; loving and liking yourself is far more important.

'We are people too'

The topic of trans health care for youth can be emotionally charged and provokes stark divisions of opinion.

However, I think it's ironic that, for most people, the source of tension in this issue seems to be concern about children's well-being.

I think anyone, no matter their opinion on gender-affirming care, would agree that the safety, health and happiness of children is important.

I'm hopeful that transgender and cisgender people develop a better understanding of each other as time goes on.

Difference is a scary thing for some people, but I believe this discomfort usually comes from ignorance and a struggle with empathy, not from hate.

I hope we can all learn to put judgement aside, acknowledge that we as transgender people exist, and focus on educating ourselves to become more open and aware of the real experiences of others.

I hope other young people questioning their gender get the counsel and care that they need.

I don't speak on behalf of every trans person; I just want to emphasise that we are people too.

Readers seeking support can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.

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