Video above: Jennifer Lundquist has looked at patterns when it comes to racial preferences in online dating. Full ep. on SBS On Demand.
In 2014 I went on national television, declaring on the Insight program that I was not attracted to black men and only dated caucasian males.
At the time I saw nothing wrong with my views. I myself am a black woman, I’m not being racist I thought, it was simply my dating preference.
Over the years however I have been forced to do some serious self reflection and I have come to the conclusion that I did indeed have an internalised bias towards black men.
I had this notion largely due to my own experiences and traumas that I experienced from black men. I have a complex relationship with my own father and I experienced severe trauma as child at the hands of a black man.
This made me form a very biased opinion of how black men are and ultimately changed the attraction and views I had towards a potential partner.
Now, I also realise and recognise the internalised self hatred that I was experiencing. It’s a very real thing and many others, like me, suffer from it due to living in a white washed society where you have constantly felt that you were not good enough because of your blackness. I have always thought that I loved and felt proud of my African heritage however I’ve since realised that whilst I continued to hold those negative views about black men I could not possibly love myself.
Rudo says she lived in a predominantly white area and went to schools with predominantly white people which shaped her views. Source: Supplied
As black people we are already marginalised and there is a constant conflict going on against racism both internalised and externalised. I believe at the time that I filmed the show I was indeed suffering from internalised prejudice - something that had been with me most of my life but took me years to understand.
I’ve done a lot of reading, learning and listening over the years and I’ve come to understand that there are other factors to consider which I feel have contributed to some of these views. I have lived in a predominantly white area and went to schools with predominantly white people. All of this does form our perspectives and attractions. From a cultural concept the type of music, TV shows and even the posters we hang on our walls all sends a message about what is good and what is not.
I believe my attractions were also formed by me thinking that a white man would ultimately treat me better and not hurt me in the way that I had been hurt before. I now know that this of course is totally untrue.
What I said on Insight was controversial but that was my truth at the time. A truth that was formed by years and years of internalised self hatred and trauma that ultimately left me with a huge chip on my shoulder.
So, wanting to better myself and unpack all my feelings I committed myself to some deep self reflection and therapy and came to the realisation that not all black men are the same. I can’t paint everyone with the same brush.
The fact is there are good and bad men in every race. I have reconciled with my pain and trauma and now do not base my attraction on just someone’s race but rather someone’s character.
I cringe now when I think of how I used to feel and the things I said. There are likely people out there that I hurt because of my views, and for that I am sorry. I now realise how much my words helped perpetuate the continuing negative views about black men. We’ve seen in the US of late how damaging negative views towards the colour of one’s skin can be.
Seeing so many of my black brothers vilified and murdered simply for being black has filled me with horror and this is why I want my new truth to be told. There is healing from internalised racism and I have begun my journey to find that.
I am now doing my best to change the narrative that I had and educate others along the way.
Today I am an advocate for fighting racism both internalised and external and I believe that the journey towards tolerance begins with having these difficult and sometimes confronting conversations.
