Alex and Judy have been together for 30 years, but they've never shared a home

For some Australians who meet their partner later in life, the concept of a 'living apart together' relationship can be appealing.

Alex and Judy decided to share their life but not their home. Source: Supplied

What's love like later in life? For some, it's sex with no commitment in their 60s, for others it's coming out in their 50s. Some couples are choosing to live apart, while others are marrying at 90. On this Insight, meet the older Australians exploring a new lease on love.

Alex, 74, and Judy, 73, got together 30 years ago when both of their marriages broke down, and in their three decades of commitment to each other, they have never shared a home.

To this day, they maintain their own house, finances and routines. The couple sees each other often, but both insist on keeping their domestic lives separate due to personal differences. Alex says that he and Judy are very different people.

"I'm half German, half Russian ... But my German side is 'I'm tidy and ordered'," Alex said.

"And Judy's a bit different. She gets muddled up."

Over the years, there were opportunities to move in together. But each time, they decided against it.

"We each had our own home … and on both occasions, we thought, 'Should we? Should we come together?'" Judy said.

"And we both said, 'No, no, it's much better — just stick to our own'."

'I had set a strong boundary'

Simon and Denise are in their 50s and have also chosen to live apart. The Armidale couple met in 2007 in their NSW regional city and were acquaintances before gradually losing contact.

Almost 20 years later, they reconnected by chance in their 50s at Armidale Airport — both freshly out of long-term relationships and not looking for love. Simon felt an immediate spark.

"It was completely unexpected. It was a complete pinch yourself moment," he told Insight.

The two started a romantic relationship, but Denise had two conditions: they would not get married and would live separately.

"This was the first time in my life that I had set a strong boundary in a relationship," Denise said.

"I was adamant that I wanted us to maintain independence."

Denise says she was adamant about maintaining independence in her relationship with Simon. Source: SBS

For Denise, love did not mean merging lives.

"I've got teenagers at home. I've got a career," she said.

"So, keeping our own homes and our finances separate."

To her surprise, Simon was on board with the concept of 'living apart together', and the couple live just a kilometre apart.

"I respect the idea of it, that you can have independent lives, but come together when you want to," he said.

"You can support each other and enjoy each other's company — but have a separate household."

Love without cohabitation

For many Australians, moving in with a partner is seen as a natural step in a serious relationship. But for some people finding love later in life, that expectation is being challenged.

Ann Evans, a professor at The Australian National University who researches family demography, said living-apart-together relationships aren't new; they've largely been invisible in the data because people who don't live with their partner are typically classified as "single".

For some couples, living apart is a choice and not a compromise. Evans said this reflects a broader shift in how people define both family and commitment.

"People define their families in terms of connection," she said.

She adds that this doesn't always align with how governments or institutions define family.

"Of all of the people who are single, about 25 per cent of those people are actually in an intimate and ongoing relationship with someone," Evans said.

While this statistic reflects dating patterns among some younger people, Evans says that for older people entering relationships, the dynamic to live apart is different.

She said it is less about romance and more about practical realities — with factors such as children, finances and past experiences playing roles.

"They have children from previous relationships …. That means the choice to move in together has different things and different people to consider."

She highlights that running two households can bring financial pressure, and living separately — though it can offer autonomy — can come with risks.

"As people get into riskier age groups … there's not someone there" during medical emergencies.

Evans also notes the longer-term considerations around assets and inheritance.

"What does that mean for the property I own, that I want my children to have in the future? So, there are just more things that need to be considered."

Setting clear intentions

Kat, 58, and Paul Milner, 53, have been together for 13 years and asked these questions from the start of their relationship.

Paul, who has a son, says he made his intentions clear.

"I've made sure he's aware that my bank accounts, my cars, everything that I've got in that home — including the home — it goes directly to him," Paul said.

"And he doesn't have to fight anybody for it."

Paul and Kat decided to live together, but to keep their finances separate. Source: Supplied

The couple says their meeting was love at first sight in Kat's home country of the US, when she was served in a fish shop by Paul, an Australian working there.

After stints in their relationship when they were long-distance due to work commitments and visa issues, Kat moved to Adelaide eventually to be with Paul, which required a period of adjustment.

'I ended up feeling like, 'Why am I here?' Because we just weren't connecting," Kat said.

"I've got to learn our routine. I've got to relearn how we connect with each other," Paul said.

They chose to live together but to keep their finances separate.

Kat says that although it was a challenge to adapt to each other's financial approaches at first, they've structured their finances to maintain independence while sharing responsibilities.

"I suggested a 'yours, mine and ours' [savings method]; we have 'our savings' and an 'ours bills account' ... we just both make sure that there's enough money in there to cover it," Kat said.

"And once that's done, whatever money you have left over is yours to do with what you want."

'I definitely didn't think we were in a relationship'

Living separately was never an option for Rebecca, 59, and Wayne, 62; however, it wasn't a conscious choice at first to live together or to even be in a relationship either.

The Ipswich, Queensland, couple met a few years ago on a dating app when they were both looking for a friends-with-benefits situation. That arrangement shifted when they had STI tests done, the results came back clear, and they decided they'd be exclusive sexual partners.

"I was very nervous about having another relationship ... I was enjoying myself ... going out and going out with the girls ..." Rebecca said.

"I definitely didn't think we were in a relationship."

Living-apart-together wasn't a relationship style Wayne and Rebecca decided to have.

Not long after, a health issue changed things again — and by this point, Rebecca says she had "kind of accepted" that they were in an exclusive relationship.

Rebecca offered to drive Wayne to hospital and home from a procedure, and for him to stay at her place for a night.

"And then those days turned into weeks, and Wayne was still there. And after about three weeks, I asked him if he'd forgotten something, and he said, 'What?'

"I said, 'Have you forgotten to go home, Wayne?'"

Wayne says it was completely unintentional, and he was in denial about living there at first, but then he officially moved in some months later.

"I honestly thought I'd only been there a few days ... It was just really nice ..." he said.

"One day just blurred into the next. And, you know, time is an illusion."

'I just submitted'

Living apart hasn't meant Judy and Alex aren't there for each other when it matters. When Judy needed a hip replacement, she moved into Alex's home 10 minutes down the road so he could care for her.

Although the idea of living together had been daunting, Judy says the experience was much different.

"He looked after me very well ..." she said.

"I just submitted. This was his house, his domain. I just did things his way. It was a very, very nice time, I have to say."

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