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Baby Business
episode • Insight • News And Current Affairs • 51m
episode • Insight • News And Current Affairs • 51m
For years, my wife Angela and I lived in the world of IVF. Countless appointments, injections, losses and heartbreaks.
It became our normal, even though it never felt normal.
As a couple, it was a time of extremes. There were days of despair and loneliness, and others of clinging to hope.
We reminded ourselves to be grateful that we even had access to IVF. But most of the time, it felt like survival — that we were going through the motions just to get by.
Going through IVF is already isolating; add the social restrictions of Melbourne’s COVID-19 lockdowns, and you feel even more cut off from the world.
There were instances during the rounds when I felt invisible.
At one of our first scans, I was asked: "Do you come to all the scans? Is it necessary? Has your wife consented for you to be here?"
I was stunned. It takes both an egg and sperm to create life, yet I felt treated like an afterthought. Sometimes I felt more like a sperm donor than a partner living the day-to-day reality of IVF.
Phil says his IVF journey taught him patience and gratitude. Source: Supplied
Leaning into the role
While Ange was injecting heavy pharmaceutical drugs and dealing with waves of hormones, I focused on keeping her calm, comfortable and loved.
My role was to get her through it. I wanted to be her steady rock, so I pushed my own feelings aside.
My silence was the cost, and I wasn’t sure where I could 'put' my emotions.
There seems to be an unspoken expectation for a man to just 'suck it up'. Be stoic. Don’t complain.
I leaned into that role. But it was overwhelming and soul-destroying at times to watch Ange endure so much.
The clinics did offer counselling, but it felt more like a box-tick exercise than real support.
In my experience, it seems male partners are sometimes treated as secondary in this space; I felt there was little capacity for me to unpack what I was also going through.
Talking openly about IVF
I did speak to a few male mates who had also been through IVF. Those conversations were a lifeline.
Unless you’ve lived it, it’s impossible to understand the impact each round has on you.
Some people I expected to lean on during this time seemed to be unavailable. Several of them later admitted that they simply had no idea how to support us.
I think it’s important that we openly talk about IVF — so people understand how to show up.
One of the most unexpected connections I’ve had happened at a gig of mine.
A man came up to me and said his kids were also conceived through IVF. I felt less alone and inspired by the power of sharing in that moment.
And when Ange spoke publicly about our journey on social media, people online shared their own experiences with us. It helped us, and I think it helped them.
A wake-up call
It wasn’t until after our son Jimi was born two years ago that Ange told me doctors had given her only a four per cent chance of IVF success.
I’m glad she kept that from me — it allowed me to hold onto hope.
Jimi is my biggest accomplishment out of anything I've ever achieved, and wrapping my arms around him is the greatest joy of my life.
Phil and Angela at one of the many egg collections. Source: Supplied
We speak about wanting a second child, but we are also mindful of the risks in a way we weren’t before.
Ange had an ectopic pregnancy (an egg had implanted outside of her uterus) last year and needed emergency surgery to save her life.
Before this, we were actively trying to conceive again — even doing more egg collections.
But this was a wake-up call: IVF comes with a cost my wife bears most heavily. My wife is not a machine.
If IVF has taught me anything, it’s patience and gratitude — to be present and enjoy what I have.
And for more stories on sex, relationships, health, wealth, grief and more, head to Insightful — an SBS podcast series hosted by Kumi Taguchi. Follow us on the SBS Audio App, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
