When you find out a loved one or a friend has cancer the first thoughts that usually come to mind are shock, devastation and sadness.
But what words can you say to help ease their pain? Especially when that person is an adolescent or young person.
In Australia one thousand adolescents and young adults (aged 15-25) are diagnosed with cancer each year according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare 2011.
Dr Ursula Sansom-Daly, a clinical psychologist at Sydney Youth Cancer Service, says there is not a single right or wrong way to deal with it.
If you’re a friend
“Don’t feel bad that you don’t know what to say because it is one of those impossible situations that you find yourself in,” Dr Sansom-Daly says.
Her first piece of advice is to say something rather than nothing. This, she says, can make a young person with cancer feel quite isolated and their diagnosis becomes the elephant in the room.
“Don’t rush to tell people that it will be ok or to think positive,” she says, adding that people need permission to feel bad about their situation, especially in the early stages.
Dr Sansom-Daly also reminds people that their friend is still their companion.
“Your friend is still your friend…so still chat to them about regular stuff, ask them how they’re going,” she says, advising to let the friend take the lead and tell you what they feel like talking about.
In terms of support you can offer them throughout their treatment Dr Sansom-Daly encourages friends to hang in there and keep checking in.
“Treatment takes time, treatment goes on for months and what can sometimes happen is people drop off the radar.”
She also recommends bringing snacks, magazines, or anything their friend enjoys during treatment as a useful way to help them through the tough time.
If you’re a parent
Dr Sansom-Daly acknowledges that parents themselves are in a state of shock and grieving after their child is diagnosed with cancer.
She also points out that adolescents are at a time in their life when they are finding their independence and seeking some control over their life – something that can be taken away when they get cancer.
She advises parents to have an open conversation with their child to see how much support they want in terms of treatment decision making.
“Allowing them to keep having some little bits of control in their life is really important,” she says.
Dr Sansom-Daly also encourages parents to be flexible in their support because their child might want one thing one day and something different the next.
