“Speak English. He doesn’t understand.” That was one of the first things I remember hearing from a relative on my dad's side of the family. One of the first instances I felt different. I grew up in a very middle class suburban Australian household, like many others, but mine was a little different in some ways.
In my immediate family, I was the only child that was mixed, the only biological child of my father. I had a mother who only saw me as the same as her, cutting off attempts I made to discuss or recognise my Armenian heritage. “No,” she would say, laughing it off. “You’re a true blue Aussie. Nothing more”. My father was focused on working hard to put food on our table. Between the two, there wasn’t room for conversations about who I am or where my heritage lies. My name is Matt Gharakhanian and I am half Armenian, half Australian. I am of mixed ethnicity.
I knew I was different from my family and friends early on. It was made apparent with comments like “You look strange”, “You have a big nose”. Even innocent questions like “Where does your name come from?” or the inevitable moment when my name is being called and the person hesitates a moment too long before trying to pronounce it. It has been a great conversation starter in many situations, except for ones that matter most –figuring out who I am and where I fit in.
As a child, Matt felt disconnected from his Armenian heritage. Source: Supplied
I remember, while in primary school, I would spend years hoping I would have my nose broken in an accident so I could get it 'fixed'. A moment came where it was heavily bruised and I remember the initial excitement being immediately dashed and replaced with immense disappointment when the doctor said it would heal naturally. It would be decades before that feeling went away.
As a child I was inherently curious and furiously stubborn, refusing to let up with my line of questioning. If I felt something was off, I wouldn’t hold up until I knew the full truth, inside and out. On the occasions where I got to visit my family on dad’s side, I would see people with a rich culture, rich foods, a gorgeous olive complexion and they would all speak in another language. I would look at myself and wonder why I wasn’t like them. If I wasn’t like my family at home, and I wasn’t like my friends at school, why am I not like these people either? Where do I fit in? They were warm and welcoming, but I always felt like an outsider. That small, cute child who was whiter than everyone, who came to visit once a year and try out their food, get his cheek pinched, be overfed and then hop back on a plane home. I would then ask why I was never taught their language, but no one had an answer. It just wasn’t expected.
When I turned 14, I tried to connect with my father more. Ask questions. He came from Armenia. He arrived here as a teenager. What was it like for him? But these weren’t stories he told often or in great detail. When I snuck into his old storage, I found a book on how to speak Armenian. I spent weeks practising a few phrases. When I felt ready, I walked up to him and said in Armenian “I am Armenian”. Silence. He looked at me and said, “That’s not how you say it”. That was the end of the conversation.
Matt fought hard to get in touch with his Armenian heritage. Source: Supplied
I never thought it affected me greatly. I spent years discovering myself and just thought it was normal. Everyone doesn’t know who they are after all. It wasn’t until I started talking about it more, I realised I still didn’t have answers. I never felt I experienced overt racism as a result of my mixed heritage, however the comments made that mocked my appearance, has taken me decades to accept. It fostered an othering and an internal struggle of identity and self-acceptance. It highlighted the implications subtle, yet often unintended insults, towards anything different can have on you growing up.
Not having the answers plagued my mind, but when I hit my 30s and was able to meet likeminded people, it finally began to make sense. It catapulted years of halted progress in myself and helped me not only see I wasn’t alone in my experiences, but I could learn to appreciate where I had come from. It made me fight harder to get in touch with my Armenian heritage and be proud of who I am today, a jigsaw puzzle made up of many different stories and backgrounds. There’s no guidebook to growing up ethnically mixed but talking about it openly and honestly is one step to making sense of it all.
Insight discovers what it's like to be mixed race, and how it shapes identity and an understanding of the world. Watch Growing Up Mixed Race on SBS On Demand.
Matt was able to connect with his heritage with the help of Mixedracefaces.com an organisation that aims to raise awareness of the growing population of mixed-race people around the world, both in communities and organisations.
