• British alt-right commentator Milo Yiannopoulos speaks during an event at Parliament House in Canberra. (AAP)
SATIRE | Wondering why we need visiting foreign white alt-rights when we have our very own?
By
Staff Writer

6 Dec 2017 - 5:25 PM  UPDATED 7 Dec 2017 - 3:53 PM

Advance Australia fair, am I right? I love a sunburnt country and I love just how good Australia is at giving people and ideas a fair go. I love how we will take in the most the most oppressed and elevate their silenced voices. Yes, I am talking about Milo Yiannopoulos. For the sake of this article I will hereby refer to him as Nesquik. Their branding refers to it as making milk extraordinary and which seems fitting given this is one bizarre white dude.  

This week your social media feed has likely been full of stories about Nesquik. You might have needed to adjust the brightness on your screen from the glare of his pearly white teeth but also spent time wondering why we need visiting foreign white alt-rights when we clearly have our own, and also what the fuck a 'provocateur' is. Some might think this country would be sick of outspoken privileged right-wing white people considering how much space they are already afforded in the Australian media and political landscape, but surprisingly for a country that has trouble letting people in, we've somehow found space for him. Delightful! In fact even parliament made room for him at the request of Senator and living fossil David Leyonhjelm. 

Some might think this country would be sick of outspoken privileged right-wing white people considering how much space they are already afforded in the Australian media and political landscape, but surprisingly for a country that has trouble letting people in, we've somehow found space for him.

Nesquik has been on a national tour demonstrating that the only thing more white than his teeth are his politics. Footage was shared of the gifted orator in Perth as he made jokes on stage about how crap Aboriginal art is and how great colonisation has been for this country and our people. How very on brand for the Australian parliament!  

When black voices in parliament have been officially rejected and black people like Clinton Pryor, who walked across the continent to meet with parliamentarians, are forced to meet them through a literal backdoor, yet men like Nesquik are in invited ... Well, it almost seems as though our politicians privilege whiteness or something. 

While other countries have unfairly rejected Nesquik, Australia the ardent defender of rights of the marginalised, have taken him in with open arms. What a relief. For those unfamiliar with this man and what he’s doing in this country he is described as a blogger, a political commentator and has authored a book called Dangerous. There are rumours a second, Desperate is in the works. He is famous for having opinions. Some people have called these opinions racist because he is often affiliated with white supremacy, such is that one time people were doing the Nazi salute at him while he was performing what was probably incredible karaoke. 

He insists that it was because he experienced a myopia at the time so did not see it. He has also said that behind every racist joke is a scientific fact and also insists that he can’t possibly be racist because he is Jewish and his husband is a black man (he also hates identity politics). He insists that he is a bottom for black men and prefers black guys for his love life, which I assume it’s not fetishising if you’re simply just proving just how not racist you are. 

Some also find it a bit weird and controversial that he says he respects women but coined the slogan 'feminism is cancer' and during at least one of his talks in the country, Nesquik gave a riveting presentation that contained an image with a 19-year-old woman with the words “unf*ckable” emblazoned over her face. 

It's also worth throwing in that he defended the idea of "13 year olds" having sex with "older men" and his experience being molested by a priest has benefitted him.   

Now, you might be wondering why he would choose our humble colony to enlighten. He came here as a warning to this  America has a president accused of sexual assault, has openly admitted to grabbing women by the pussies, would not give houses to black people, has taken barley any action for citizens in Puerto Rico without water, food and electricity following natural disaster. Earlier this year an anti-fascist protestor was killed by a white supremacist and those pesky US police can’t seem to stop killing black people. No, it is not this that Nesquik refers to. It is political correctness that is the problem! 

As for Australia, there are unconfirmed reports that the Australian parliament will be bringing over Vladimir Putin post-marriage equality to teach us about queer liberation.

 

This article is satire and it should be noted that Milo's teeth are in fact, just as white as his politics.

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