What a week! What a decade. In case you slept through the last week in #auspol, which to be fair is a more therapeutic experience than following it, there have been two Liberal Party spills.
The first saw Peter Dutton challenge Malcolm Turnbull for the leadership position. He lost and we laughed. But it wasn’t over. A few days later Turnbull supporters Mathias Corman, Michaela Cash and Mitchell Fifield (Minister for Arts and no I hadn’t heard of him either) resigned which triggered another spill. The rest is recent and probably repeatable history - Turnbull didn’t bother putting his hat in the ring, Julie Bishop lost, Peter Dutton lost again and Scott Morrison emerged as Prime Minister.
Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s proven track record with black people has not gone unnoticed with Scott Morrison offering him the highly coveted yet mysterious position of Special Envoy for Indigenous Affairs. Despite the most effective thing Abbott could have done for black people was to turn down the offer, inexplicably he has accepted, with almost every single past, present and emerging black person disagreeing with this appointment.
Prime Ministers generally treat black affairs the way a creep lurks at the clubs at closing time hoping that whoever is still left is desperate enough to hook up with them - anyone will do. The lights are on though, and even though Abbott is thirsty, something tells me he’s not the one. Hindsight is a gift and here’s a list of envoys Scott Morrison should have considered instead.
1. Peter Dutton’s Au Pairs
I don’t really know much about them but they seem to have a knack for diplomacy.
2. Paul Hogan
Paul Hogan once did ceremony with a young David Gulpilil.
3. Tash Sultana
Tash, though not Aboriginal, once wore an Aboriginal flag shirt in a video that was then shared by a popular black page on facebook contributing to her rise and acclaim. People have long thought she is black so we might as well give her the job.
4. Kevin Rudd
Emerging from his cave every apology anniversary to remind us he did the apology and his desperate need for relevance and power make him the best candidate for the job.
5. An oily rag
Specifically the rag people are referring to when they say, “running on the smell of an oily rag.” Presumably the same rag funding Indigenous affairs.
6. The Tasmanian onion Tony Abbott bit into during an interview
Like black people in this country, this onion knows what it’s like to be personally victimised by the former Prime Minister.
Nayuka Gorrie is Gunai/Kurnai, Gunditjmara, Wiradjuri and Yorta Yorta writer living on Bundjalung country. She writes social commentary, satire and comedy for television. Follow Nayuka @NayukaGorrie.