I’ve been sober for six years. Adjusting to life without alcohol was ‘excruciating’

Sobriety podcaster Victoria Vanstone felt like alcohol turned her into a "sandal-wearing ogre". She says her kids deserved better.

Victoria Vanstone says becoming sober has had a positive effect on her parenting. Source: Supplied

Insight hears from parents navigating generational differences, social pressures and childhood baggage in episode Modern Parenting on SBS On Demand.

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Modern Parenting

episode • Insight • 

News And Current Affairs • 

51m

episode • Insight • 

News And Current Affairs • 

51m

I remember clearly the last hangover I ever had.

I was lying in bed and could hear my baby crying but I just couldn't muster the will to get up.

I felt so ashamed that I booked into therapy that morning.

I thought the life-changing act would magically turn me into an earthy, Pinterest-perfect mother — the kind that excretes bliss balls, has an off-road three-wheeled pram, and wipes handy for every possible bodily expulsion.

But it didn't.

Starting the path of sobriety was excruciating as it made me confront all my flaws.

Victoria says starting the path to sobriety was difficult. Source: Supplied

Before I gave up alcohol, I accepted that shouting was part of my character and thought it was part of the parenting gig.

I was often parenting with a hangover and was barely present, getting through the day in any way I could until my evening wine.

Our home's daily soundtrack heavily featured my yelling, and my door slams were the final crescendo.

I presumed that ear-splitting uproar when kids were stubborn about brushing their teeth or when the odd shoe was left at the park was just normal for parents when they were tired and stressed.

I hated shouting, not only because it made my three kids flinch, but because it made me feel like a failure.

Searching for a new me

Alcohol had engulfed my identity for so long that when I became sober, I had no idea who I was and had nothing to soak up my feelings.

I saw the alcohol-fuelled version of myself as a sandal-wearing ogre. But now that I was in recovery, it was time to banish the ogre to its cave to calm down for good.

I couldn't sidestep my emotions anymore, and I realised that I was shouting at my kids more than I should have been. And I'd feel a knot in my stomach any time my voice grew louder.

It was like my body was reminding me: 'You changed, Vic. You changed your drinking habits; you can change how you parent too'.

So, I gave myself a year to experiment with parenting.

Putting myself in time-out

I took courses, I read books and I implemented sticker charts for kids and had regular family meetings to discuss everyone's behaviour.

I gave myself time-outs — long blustering beach walks instead of wines — and even a trip to Italy to reset the parenting dials.

I said sorry more and failed a lot, but I learned that getting it wrong did not mean I was a bad mum. It just meant I am someone who doesn't give up.

I realised that every time I lost my temper, it was not about the kids.

It was about me; my triggers, my overwhelm, my inability to cope without a wine waiting for me at five o'clock.

The house had felt like a battleground, but I realised I had been reacting instead of responding.

The myth of the perfect parent

Sobriety did not 'fix' me overnight or turn me into Mary Poppins. But it gave me the space to notice how I was showing up.

I still lose my temper and hide in the loo eating chocolate pretzels when the noise gets too much at times, I still dance badly around the kitchen to 90s house music, and I still party (as long as I'm in bed by 9pm).

I'm the same person, but the difference is I come back quicker.

I am not stuck in a shame spiral for days afterwards. I can repair, regroup, and keep going.

I am not parenting with a hangover. I am parenting with a clear head and a handle-as-it-comes mentality.

I have let go of the myth of the perfect parent and now know that trying to be flawless only sets everyone up for failure.

And I now even podcast and write about sobriety to hopefully help provide a safe and relatable space for those navigating life without alcohol.

My kids do not need a mum who gets it right all the time. They need a mum who tries, listens, admits when she's messed up and then tries again.

Victoria now writes and podcasts about sobriety. Source: Supplied

Quitting alcohol did not make me superhuman. It just made me a bit more me — the real me.

The one who knows when to walk away, when to apologise, and when to laugh instead of scream.

And as it turns out, that is exactly the kind of mum I want to be.

Readers struggling with their use of alcohol and other substances can contact the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline on 1800 250 015 for free and confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. More information is available via Lifeline.

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