'At 39, I've decided it's time to slow down'

Kate has run a successful business for the past five years, but now she's decided to put her career on indefinite hold so she can manage her endometriosis.

Source: Supplied

Crying in the shower seems to be my thing. Well, it has been for a good chunk of my adult life, since I was diagnosed with endometriosis what feels like a bloody long time ago now. 

Sometimes I like to keep it silent, but often I will call my husband in to share my thoughts. One might say, offload my thoughts, my feelings, my fears. Sometimes I like to have someone to cry to. As the hot water soothes my pain, the tears come and so does the despair. How did I end up like this? Will I feel this god damn awful forever? Am I weak? Why can’t I handle this? What is wrong with me? It all sounds very dramatic, but it’s the only time I can be so raw, honest and vulnerable. Once I’m out and dry, my game face is back on – and that’s how most of you will see me. At work, in the school ground, out on a Friday night - like nothing is wrong, but there is.

You see, I don’t want to be like this. I am an A-type personality. I love to overachieve. I love being in the thick of things – the busier, the better. Work opportunity? I’m in. Party happening? I’m there. But I’ve come to realise over the past few years that’s not the life for me anymore. And what a bitter pill that is to swallow.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in my late teens. “I think you have endometriosis” said my obstetrician, and that was the end of it. Fast forward nine years of incredibly debilitating pain, ridiculous bleeding, constant nausea and crippling fatigue (none of which I openly admitted … “I’m fine, I’m fine”, I’d always say) and I finally received a proper diagnosis and referral to a surgeon.

I thought I was going to be fixed at that point. You take the disease out and you’re in the clear, right? In my case, no. In June this year, I had my ninth laparoscopy for stage four endometriosis (including a hysterectomy for adenomyosis). I am affected every day by this disease. If it was just the pain, I like to think I could move on – but it’s the other relentless side effects that really get me and are close to impossible to treat. Fatigue plagues me almost daily. I often get home from dropping the kids at school and crawl back into bed for a nap. I have to monitor my energy levels so that I don’t ‘run out’ of steam at the end of the day. I have to cancel things at the last minute that I really, really want to go to because my body simply won’t cooperate.

Being an invisible disease, it’s hard enough for me to get my head around what’s actually going on, let alone my children, my husband, my friends, my colleagues. Sure, there’s the whole ‘ick’ factor – but if doctors can’t understand so many factors of this disease, how are we supposed to?

Kate with her two children. Photo: Supplied Source: Supplied

I’ve recently decided to change gears and officially “slow down” (not something I thought I’d have to do at 39) and, to be honest, it’s really difficult. I’ve worked since I was 14 and ran my own successful business for the last five years, so stepping away from this has been incredibly challenging. Who am I without a kick ass career?  I guess I’m still working that out.

I have a list of things I can do on a daily basis to boost my health, both physically and mentally, but some days all I can do is lie in a cool room and watch Gossip Girl. Some might see this as an indulgence and yes, it is, maybe for a day or two.  But it’s not how I want to live my life. I desperately want to go at the million miles an hour my personality demands, but the thing is, I can no longer do it. 

It’s not all bad and I make a decision to pull myself out of darkness every day. There are so many good things amongst the horrid and complex nature of endometriosis. I’m committed to taking advantage of those times when I feel OK. I still like pushing the limits, even though I pay the price for days afterwards. It’s always worth it. 

I certainly can’t control my disease, but there are things that I can control and this is what I work towards. Some days I feel empowered to build up my physical, emotional and spiritual wealth – other days I give in and watch the Kardashians. But balancing this has become my work for the time being. Endometriosis is a part of my life, but there is no way I am letting it define me.