The secret my dad kept was meant to protect me — it still broke my heart

Irene was just a few weeks from giving birth when she uncovered a timely secret about her dad, who lived on the other side of the world.

Irene Becker says her dad kept a secret from her out of love, and she found out the truth when it was too late. Source: Supplied

With ageing parents living longer and children not leaving home, what's it like to be stuck in the middle? Watch Insight episode Sandwich Generation on SBS On Demand.

Stream free On Demand

Sandwich Generation

episode • Insight • 

News And Current Affairs • 

51m

episode • Insight • 

News And Current Affairs • 

51m

I never imagined that two of the most beautiful and heartbreaking moments of my life would be within the same week.

In 2014, my father was in and out of hospital for what I believed were stomach issues.

He was in Germany — the country I mostly grew up in — and I was in the last trimester of my pregnancy here in Australia.

Updates from my dad about his health in this period were vague and sporadic, with silences that stretched too long.

After a couple of months of failing to get concrete information from him, I called his doctor directly.

I would soon find out it wasn't by accident that I had been kept in the dark.

"It's terminal. The cancer has spread everywhere ... Sorry, I didn't know that you didn't know," the doctor told me.

Cancer? Terminal? My heart sank.

"No, you've confused patients," I argued. "My dad's only in hospital for stomach issues!"

But the doctor was right.

My beloved father was dying, and no-one had told me.

'I never got to hold his hand'

I called my brother, who lives in Germany, that same afternoon. He confessed our father had made him promise not to tell me that he was terminally ill with cancer.

My father knew I would get on the next plane — pregnant or not, and he didn't want to risk mine or the baby's health.

And so, I was left with only the phone to connect with my dad in his final weeks.

Every day, I called to tell him I loved him. Every day, I tried to squeeze a lifetime of gratitude into a few fleeting minutes.

My father's final act of love was protecting me from his own death.

I pleaded, begged and prayed for him to hold on until the baby arrived, and I'd fly over.

Irene with her mother and her parents-in-law. Source: Supplied

However, he never got to meet his grandson because he died three days before he was born.

And I never got to hold my dad's hand or whisper goodbye.

This is the cost of chasing dreams far from home.

My father’s final act of love was protecting me from his own death.

Irene Becker

But in a moment of deep sorrow and isolation, I also experienced an avalanche of love.

I had just become a first-time mother to our beautiful son. My husband's family — his parents, his sister and her husband — flew over from India to be with us. To be with me.

I had never felt so much pain and love at once.

Navigating the sandwich generation

The heartbreak over my father's final weeks led me to reassess how I would spend time with my mother moving forward.

I am part of what they now call the sandwich generation: raising young children while caring for and worrying about ageing parents.

And many of us have to do it from afar.

When my father died, I made a quiet promise to myself to never delay the time spent with family.

I visited a website around this time that calculated how many times you were likely to see your parents again — pending their age, where they live, among other factors.

The results were heart-wrenching.

From then on, my husband and I made sure to see our parents every year — or at least every other year.

'No guarantee of next year'

In 2024, I even moved our three children and myself to Germany to live with my mother for six months.

Not because there was a crisis — but because I didn't want to be far away if one did happen.

And with my eldest child on the brink of teenagerhood, I felt like it was the last chance to do it.

Irene, her husband and their two youngest kids welcome Irene's mother on one of her trips to Australia. Source: Supplied

The kids adapted well to multigenerational living in a new country. They baked, gardened and laughed with their grandmother — living their parents' value of prioritising family.

And I wanted to experience daily life with my mother — coffee in the morning, playtime with the kids, and even trivial arguments.

As I now know with painful certainty, there is no guarantee of 'next year'.

Mitigating the fear

Back in Australia, we worry a great deal about my mother in Germany and my husband's parents in India. When we think about how to care for them, we feel overwhelmed with both love and logistical anxiety.

They're all in their 70s now, an age when one unfortunate fall could result in needing substantial support.

We're preparing for their older age: researching visa pathways to Australia, sorting our collective finances, and deciding — between my husband and me — who will relocate overseas if need be.

For now, we've decided that the kids and I would relocate to either Germany or India if my mother or in-laws needed long-term assistance — if moving to Australia isn't an option.

It's obviously not ideal for a couple but we'd figure it out and do long-distance if we had to — whatever it takes to support our family,

Irene says she would consider moving to India with her children to support her ageing parents-in-law if they needed her. Source: Supplied

My biggest fear is not being there when my loved ones need me. That fear already came true once — and the wound still hasn't closed.

Saying I love you over the phone will never be enough, and I still mourn not having had the chance to care for my dad while he was dying.

Grief isn't something you move on from; you move forward with it.

Now, I live with the intention of being there for generations on both sides of my family.

I make time; I book the plane ticket.

I've built my businesses around flexibility — businesses that allow me to travel, work remotely and most importantly, prioritise my family.

Aged care isn't part of our plan

Aged care facilities aren't part of the plan for us.

I've watched generations of my family look after their elders at home. That's our culture and one of our values.

While I respect what aged care services provide, they don't align with what I want for my loved ones.

I want my mother and in-laws to age surrounded by people who know them. In homes where their language, food and everyday comforts are familiar.

Of course, it's not easy. Living in a multigenerational household brings logistical, emotional and financial challenges.

It means navigating personal space, school pickups and medical appointments — sometimes all within the same hour.

But it also means connection.

It means children who learn compassion by watching their parents show up for both ends of life.

Watch your favourite Insight episodes around the clock on SBS On Demand's dedicated Insight channel. For the latest from SBS News, download our app and subscribe to our newsletter.

---

For the latest from SBS News, download our app and subscribe to our newsletter.