Last December marked two years since I’d left my children and a lot has changed since.
I was overseas for business when I got a call. It was my ex-partner who I hadn’t spoken to for some time and this alone alarmed me. He told me that he had some concerns about our daughter, she was not responding to him or her step-mum - it sounded like a cry for help. When I got speaking to her, it became apparent just how much she needed me.
She was struggling like most pubescents and wanted me to help her through these changes. My son, on the other hand, had been doing fine.
In the first year apart I visited every fortnight for a short period of time, before I made the change to a week each month. Fortnightly travel had become a lot to handle, it was expensive and tiring for me to drive four and a half hours each way.
When I first left, I was in a very different position. I was struggling with my ex-partner and felt like I wasn’t fulfilling my calling to advocate for Aborginal rights. There wasn’t a market for my business in Port Macquarie – and there still isn’t – the difference now is that I have established myself. I have a big team and clients who respect me enough to wait for me.
I needed those two years away. That time allowed me to calm down from a volatile relationship and create a flexible career. So when the question to come back arose, the decision to return came easy.
I’m back to rotating 50-50 shared care and the kids are loving it - it’s like I never left. I myself feel more complete and can now enjoy the everyday things that come with parenting.
When news broke of my decision, everyone was really supportive, but it did come as a shock to some. I had settled into my situation and it looked permanent.
The first six months when I left were horrible. I was facing criticism and this only fuelled the guilt I felt on my own. I spent hours of the day rationalising what I’d done.
Appearing on Insight was a cathartic experience for me and allowed me to finally build a network of people that not only accepted but encouraged my choice.
After I came on, a lot of women reached out to me through Facebook and email. As the number of women contacting me as well as other guests on the show, rose, we knew we had to do something more with this network we had created. The need for support was undeniable.
Kristal Kinsela receiving the 2017 NSW Aboriginal Woman of the Year Award. Source: Supplied
We decided to create a closed Facebook group, Mothers Together, which would be a platform for these women to share their story, have their questions answered and be reassured in their choice.
Through word of mouth, exposure from women’s blogs and articles, the number of women wanting to join grew.
It is a stringent process to get in and each woman is carefully reviewed. We recognise that there is still very much a stigma around us and we believe the success of the page is dependent upon an intimate and welcoming space.
Talking to these women reaffirmed that there are no resources out there. We have since decided to create a website with blog posts and articles on common questions we have come across for other women out there.
I still don’t feel like a primary carer.
It’s important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all response when deciding whether to stay or leave. Mine is unique and I am lucky that I had options. My advice for anyone in my position is to find what works best for you and not to fear your actions.
I do think there has been a shift since the show, looking at public spaces I’ve noticed criticism is slowly shifting to admiration.
We aren’t there just yet, but sparking a conversation has brought it to the table and I know it can only get better.
